It wasn't too long ago that you couldn't flip through your 74 channels of rap on the TV box and not see an Arby's commercial featuring the Arby's oven mitt. The series of commercials felt like total overkill and I started to wonder how long this could last. I imagined in my mind a world of Arby's oven mitt marketing. A near endless string of ads featuring the Arby's oven mitt meeting a female mitt. The two going on a date, sharing an order of potato cakes. Mr. and Mrs. Arby's oven mitt eventually getting married in a ceremony presided over by a weepy Arby's manager who is overcome with joy to see such a perfect union take place in his very own Arby's lobby.
I even imagined that the commercials, in online-only form, could take a more adult but still humorous twist. Picture Mr. & Mrs. Mitt getting all hot and heavy in the Arby's storage room. Madly oven mitt humping each other with sweat running down their brows. Mr. Oven Mitt forgetting, in the heat of the moment, to use any sort of protection (I envisioned a rubber glove) and four months later (oven mitts have a shorter gestational period) a commercial shot on some stainless steel surface in the Arby's kitchen where a screaming Mrs. Arby's oven mitt pushes as ste original star, Mr. Mitt, encourages his pregnant oven mitt wife to push out their baby. Cut to the tired but happy couple holding their new bundle of joy - a crying, tiny oven mitt is born and the circle of Arby's oven mitt life continues.
But no, none of this glorious story happened. Instead, we got the entire series of ads featuring the rather phallic foam Arby's outline hat. Oh, I get it, everyone's thinking Arby's and doing that gives them all huge erections. It's a fucking genius play on words and imagery. But what about our forgotten friend - the Arby's oven mitt? What has become of our forgotten little man?
I picture the single, unemployed Arby's oven mitt living under a freeway underpass in a large metropolitan area. He's struggled to find other commercial work but being an oven mitt who talks and has only done commercial endorsements for one national ast food chain leaves you as sort of a one-trick pony. So our oven mitt friend scrapes up a few pennies here and there begging for change. He's scruffy and unbathed. He wreaks of alcohol because it's the only way he knows to numb the pain. He's even resorted to performing sexual favors but that only leaves him feeling even dirtier and in need of blocking out the horriffic things he's done in his darkest hours.
All this because some huge, multi-national corporation thought that the Arby's oven mitt's story was done and they could just move on and he'd be soon forgotten. Well, I haven't forgotten and neither has he. Let's never forget the Arby's oven mitt and if anyone at Arby's is reading this, I have plenty of amazing ideas that could bring this commercial icon back.
If this whole ode to the oven mitt made you sick, MinnPics redeems things. Check out what happened over the weekend and other rare gems.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I have succumbed to Twitter
If you haven't noticed, I've officially joined Twitter. Sure, I've been a member of the Twitter community with a work-related project (light marketing stuff) for most of this year and used it previously for another (but ill-fated) work project so I'm not a noob by any means. But regardless of my non-newbie status, I mulled this decision over for quite some time. Would I have anything worthwhile to say? Will I get the all-important followers? (Hey, it's all about my image) My gut is turning and I feel nauseous. Well, maybe that's because I ate some pizza I found wedged between the stove and the cabinets.
The deal with Twitter is that I can more readily drop my random bits of wisdom on the general population, easily converse with others and hopefully push a few more readers to this blog (which is sorely lacking in readers, tell a friend about it, PLEASE).
Outside of that, I'm not changing anything. If anything, me using Twitter gives everyone even more of a glimpse into who I really am, what my interests are and what makes me tick. And it is true, I'm a big fan of pies.
I'm also a big fan of photos and MinnPics is my outlet for that interest. Check it out and appreciate the cool Minnesota photos captured and showcased. And feel free to inquire about my burgeoning wedding photography services...
The deal with Twitter is that I can more readily drop my random bits of wisdom on the general population, easily converse with others and hopefully push a few more readers to this blog (which is sorely lacking in readers, tell a friend about it, PLEASE).
Outside of that, I'm not changing anything. If anything, me using Twitter gives everyone even more of a glimpse into who I really am, what my interests are and what makes me tick. And it is true, I'm a big fan of pies.
I'm also a big fan of photos and MinnPics is my outlet for that interest. Check it out and appreciate the cool Minnesota photos captured and showcased. And feel free to inquire about my burgeoning wedding photography services...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
It's "Aspray" not AssSpray
Sometimes a product is so ridiculous, it deserves attention just for its ridiculousness. Doc Bottom's Aspray is one of those products. The name itself is something a 42 year old guy thought up while either drunk with friends at a nasty strip club or by an 18 year old huffing paint in his basement with some loser friends. I'm actually surprised that I hadn't yet thought of the name "Doc Bottom" because my mind resides squarely in that particular area. I may have already thought of the idea of ass and "private parts" (balls/taint) deodorant because, well, when there's a problem I'm always looking for a solution.
Oh well, I think I'll stick to my Right Guard.. for now.
And I'll keep things classy with MinnPics. Killer photos from every corner of Minnesota every damn day.
Oh well, I think I'll stick to my Right Guard.. for now.
And I'll keep things classy with MinnPics. Killer photos from every corner of Minnesota every damn day.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Vampires alive and well in my house
It involved a garbage bag, a dust pan, two fly swatters, a pair of pliers, an ice scraper and a can of hornet spray. No, it wasn't some sort of new auto-erotic asphyxiation sex game where the last one standing wins. This all took place in the home office/studio last night. Again, it wasn't a kinky sex game.
As I downloaded photos in silence I heard scratching against metal. I immediately knew it was coming from somewhere near the vent adjacent to the desk. Normally I wouldn't have heard anything because I'd have iTunes open but the old Mac was running slow as it choked on the addition of 600+ wedding photos from Saturday. The scratching on metal after 10 PM weirded me out. I assumed it was a mouse and prepared to grab the fat cat remove the vent, close the door and let the cat have a free meaty meal. But I decided to get a second opinion for the scratching diagnosis.
My old lady came in and instructed me to shine one of the funky lights towards the vent and her prognosis was - wait for it - a bat. I pondered just what the hell to do and came to the conclusion that if I could get the vent apart we could cover it with a garbage bag and easily trap the miniature vampire and go to be in five minutes. But 10 minutes later I had gathered a dust pan (the weapon that brought down the last bat about three years ago), two fly swatters, pliers to remove the vent and a garbage bag.
Fast forward another five minutes and after poking and prodding at the bat who clung to the side of the duct we had made absolutely no progress. My next brilliant idea was to gas it out. I automatically thought of the flying insect spray I had bought in bulk (why buy one can when they come three to a package?!?) and returned with a full can of hornet spray. But before I resorted to that, I turned the A/C on hoping to freeze mini-dracula out. Fail again. Now with the corner of the garbage bag slightly opened and the stink of my own failure rapidly filling the room, I shot a few long jets of hornet killer into the open vent. Then we waited. Hoping to hear a small thump on the metal below, we instead heard little claws on metal.
The little bastard bat had retreated back where it came from. The good news is that we didn't again break the dust pan as we did during the last bat battle. The bad news is that there is still a bat living in our home's ventilation system. Somewhere in the snaking maze of ductwork, a bat, for now, lives and we wait in fear of a bat swooping through the house, biting us and turning us in to vampires.
In other news, Minnesota had an awesome weekend and the photos tell the stories. Check out MinnPics now and frequently all day long.
As I downloaded photos in silence I heard scratching against metal. I immediately knew it was coming from somewhere near the vent adjacent to the desk. Normally I wouldn't have heard anything because I'd have iTunes open but the old Mac was running slow as it choked on the addition of 600+ wedding photos from Saturday. The scratching on metal after 10 PM weirded me out. I assumed it was a mouse and prepared to grab the fat cat remove the vent, close the door and let the cat have a free meaty meal. But I decided to get a second opinion for the scratching diagnosis.
My old lady came in and instructed me to shine one of the funky lights towards the vent and her prognosis was - wait for it - a bat. I pondered just what the hell to do and came to the conclusion that if I could get the vent apart we could cover it with a garbage bag and easily trap the miniature vampire and go to be in five minutes. But 10 minutes later I had gathered a dust pan (the weapon that brought down the last bat about three years ago), two fly swatters, pliers to remove the vent and a garbage bag.
Fast forward another five minutes and after poking and prodding at the bat who clung to the side of the duct we had made absolutely no progress. My next brilliant idea was to gas it out. I automatically thought of the flying insect spray I had bought in bulk (why buy one can when they come three to a package?!?) and returned with a full can of hornet spray. But before I resorted to that, I turned the A/C on hoping to freeze mini-dracula out. Fail again. Now with the corner of the garbage bag slightly opened and the stink of my own failure rapidly filling the room, I shot a few long jets of hornet killer into the open vent. Then we waited. Hoping to hear a small thump on the metal below, we instead heard little claws on metal.
The little bastard bat had retreated back where it came from. The good news is that we didn't again break the dust pan as we did during the last bat battle. The bad news is that there is still a bat living in our home's ventilation system. Somewhere in the snaking maze of ductwork, a bat, for now, lives and we wait in fear of a bat swooping through the house, biting us and turning us in to vampires.
In other news, Minnesota had an awesome weekend and the photos tell the stories. Check out MinnPics now and frequently all day long.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Is the internet just a fad?
Just because something has had popularity with the masses for a decade doesn't mean that it's here to stay. Sure, the internet has drastically changed our lives. The fact that you can check your bank account with the click of the mouse is a huge time-saver and paying your bills the same way is just as amazing. But think of what the internet has taken away from us.
When's the last time you waited in a line at the post office? See, that's the internet's fault. Those long, snaking lines are the sort of thing that builds character. No longer are we subjected to the gruff demeanor of those behind the counter at the post office. And what has become of the weapons business? Think back to a time when "going postal" made the nightly news. Where has our friend, the random post office shooting, gone? These things are just the tip of the iceberg.
Have you heard of Facebook? Yeah, me either. Apparently it's this thing on the interwebs that lets people connect with the profiles of current and long-lost friends. But isn't that what your 10-year high school reunion is for? I truly miss each and every one of the 327+ classmates from my graduating class and am looking forward to my ten year reuni... wait a minute, that reunion would have been two years ago. What the hell? Oops. But wait, our class, as oh-so tight knit as they were (sure...) never even made an effort to organize a reunion.
And it even boils down to technology as a whole. I miss the days of film photography. I loved dropping off a couple rolls of film at K-Mart, waiting a day or two and picking up seven bucks worth of prints where one or two were actually worth printing. Even better was the judgmental looks from the pepperoni-faced punk at the photo counter. I only learned why I was glared at after opening the envelope to see that a friend had snuck off with my camera and snapped a few cock shots and pics of other's bare asses.
Yeah, all of that internet stuff and technology is just a fad. I'm sure that by next year we'll be back to mailing everything at the post office and maybe even carving notes in to stone tablets.
MinnPics is serious stuff as opposed to this. And it depends, even thrives, because of the internet. Check out the awesome Minnesota photos now.
When's the last time you waited in a line at the post office? See, that's the internet's fault. Those long, snaking lines are the sort of thing that builds character. No longer are we subjected to the gruff demeanor of those behind the counter at the post office. And what has become of the weapons business? Think back to a time when "going postal" made the nightly news. Where has our friend, the random post office shooting, gone? These things are just the tip of the iceberg.
Have you heard of Facebook? Yeah, me either. Apparently it's this thing on the interwebs that lets people connect with the profiles of current and long-lost friends. But isn't that what your 10-year high school reunion is for? I truly miss each and every one of the 327+ classmates from my graduating class and am looking forward to my ten year reuni... wait a minute, that reunion would have been two years ago. What the hell? Oops. But wait, our class, as oh-so tight knit as they were (sure...) never even made an effort to organize a reunion.
And it even boils down to technology as a whole. I miss the days of film photography. I loved dropping off a couple rolls of film at K-Mart, waiting a day or two and picking up seven bucks worth of prints where one or two were actually worth printing. Even better was the judgmental looks from the pepperoni-faced punk at the photo counter. I only learned why I was glared at after opening the envelope to see that a friend had snuck off with my camera and snapped a few cock shots and pics of other's bare asses.
Yeah, all of that internet stuff and technology is just a fad. I'm sure that by next year we'll be back to mailing everything at the post office and maybe even carving notes in to stone tablets.
MinnPics is serious stuff as opposed to this. And it depends, even thrives, because of the internet. Check out the awesome Minnesota photos now.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tornado hits Minneapolis
Alright, in all seriousness it appears that an actual tornado did touch down (briefly) in Minneapolis. This sort of bizarre weather is usually reserved for June and usually in Oklahoma but this is the midwest and it can happen here from March thru early November. And there are photos. Tons of photos. MinnPics unearthed some of the damage shortly after touchdown and even the actual twister crossing I-35W around the Lake St. area in Minneapolis.
Barney Frank Confronts Woman At Townhall Comparing Obama To Hitler
I've stayed away from all things political for quite some time but the health care debate is getting way to heated. Talks of Nazi and socialist themes in it are ridiculous and the screaming protesters full of misinformation do little for their position. Barney Frank, despite his comical voice, makes an excellent point at this particular health care town hall meeting.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Vikings land Favre as QB
As of about 10 AM today, it was announced that the beleagured Minnesota Vikings would sign Brett Favre. Yes, that Brett Favre. The one who just two years ago played for border rival Green Bay packers.
My initial reaction is that the Vikings finally signed someone with a big name. Then my second reaction is that the Vikies have a history of signing old quarterbacks. Favre is 39 years old and he proved last year with the New York Jets that he's nothing special and seems to be close to the end of his career. On the third hand he could bring some much-needed mentoring to the other three quarterbacks the team has who will now sit on the bench.
Oh, well. At least theis brings a bit of a media circus ot the Twin Cities for the second straight week. The only downfall is that this good 'ole boy from Mississippi will unfortunately be the face of the team for the time being.
MinnPics needs your attention. The photos know you want to look at them so why hold back?
My initial reaction is that the Vikings finally signed someone with a big name. Then my second reaction is that the Vikies have a history of signing old quarterbacks. Favre is 39 years old and he proved last year with the New York Jets that he's nothing special and seems to be close to the end of his career. On the third hand he could bring some much-needed mentoring to the other three quarterbacks the team has who will now sit on the bench.
Oh, well. At least theis brings a bit of a media circus ot the Twin Cities for the second straight week. The only downfall is that this good 'ole boy from Mississippi will unfortunately be the face of the team for the time being.
MinnPics needs your attention. The photos know you want to look at them so why hold back?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Drama, Dancing with the Stars and Twitter
The American workplace is a clusterfuck. There, I said it. Over the years it moved from casual conversations about last night's episode of Knot's Landing around the water cooler to people endlessly shopping on ebay. Then it moved on to people dicking around on their MySpace page (which is now officially the Detroit of the internet). Those same people have now all moved to Facebook where they post results to mind-numbingly stupid quizzes about what kind of fruit they are and are always buying me a drink. Sorry bub, but I can't drink my 24 inch Dell LCD monitor.
The cool kids drop tweets all day long. You can tell the ones who spend too much time tweeting because their Twitter page consists of updates about what they are eating, have eaten or plan to eat. If you're gonna tweet, make it something at least mildly interesting or so strange that I'm compelled to know more. (My latest Facebook status update stated that I "feel like a cowboy" - I'll let you figure that one out.) My Twitter account is for business but even that is kept at least moderately interesting (my grandma, if she was still around, would probably be sobbing into her Pringles can of knitting needles with Reader's Digest filing chapter 11 today).
It's all good in moderation. I can even tolerate discussions about the performances on last night's Dancing with the Stars (that's a hot topic - I can't wait to see Kelly Osbourne's pasty skin shoved into a dancing outfit). But my biggest pet peeve is drama. Especially if it interferes with your job and, in turn, fucks up mine. Keep that shit at home and I don't care if I put my foot down and, in a roundabout way, make you feel bad for dropping the ball - especially when you straight-up say "I have a lot of drama in my life right now, not that you care". Bingo. I don't care. We are at work, not your latest counseling session. Now get off the phone with me and go make me some money. Daddy needs a new entertainment center.
MinnPics is far more controlled and free of celebrity gossip, rants and drama. Check out the killer pics!
The cool kids drop tweets all day long. You can tell the ones who spend too much time tweeting because their Twitter page consists of updates about what they are eating, have eaten or plan to eat. If you're gonna tweet, make it something at least mildly interesting or so strange that I'm compelled to know more. (My latest Facebook status update stated that I "feel like a cowboy" - I'll let you figure that one out.) My Twitter account is for business but even that is kept at least moderately interesting (my grandma, if she was still around, would probably be sobbing into her Pringles can of knitting needles with Reader's Digest filing chapter 11 today).
It's all good in moderation. I can even tolerate discussions about the performances on last night's Dancing with the Stars (that's a hot topic - I can't wait to see Kelly Osbourne's pasty skin shoved into a dancing outfit). But my biggest pet peeve is drama. Especially if it interferes with your job and, in turn, fucks up mine. Keep that shit at home and I don't care if I put my foot down and, in a roundabout way, make you feel bad for dropping the ball - especially when you straight-up say "I have a lot of drama in my life right now, not that you care". Bingo. I don't care. We are at work, not your latest counseling session. Now get off the phone with me and go make me some money. Daddy needs a new entertainment center.
MinnPics is far more controlled and free of celebrity gossip, rants and drama. Check out the killer pics!
Should I be nervous about the wedding?
My wedding photography (and portrait photography for that matter) skills will be further honed this weekend. Saturday morning I, along with my assistant/co-photographer/wife will drive to a wedding and serve as the couple's photographers (this is our second go-round with an event like this). So far, I am rather relaxed about the whole situation. My wife, being more in-tune with customers in general and having a better memory has done the talking and nailed down the details. My biggest fear, aside from what I consider a lack of portrait photography skills, is inclement weather. Nobody wants it to rain on their wedding day but this is especially true because this particular wedding is an outdoor wedding.
In a perfect world I'd have some more gear to work with. Maybe a fast, fixed focal length lens and some extra lighting equipment just in case. But with the great outdoors, where I actually prefer to work, the light is free and I just have to work with it and use it to my advantage.
To be fair to all involved, we are cutting the couple one helluva deal but I consider this a skill building session. That's not to say that I won't give 110% because barring a case of SARS on Saturday, I'll be there ready to go and plan on taking plenty of time this week - a bit of a crash course - to further hone my portrait skills. The setting for the wedding is on a beach so that just opens up more opportunities. All I need to remember to do is to charge my battery packs. Maybe this will open up a new career path for me. I love what I already do in the field of photography so why not further explore it? And what should the photographer wear to an outdoor summer wedding? Any ideas?
Will some of this coming weekend's photos make the cut at MinnPics? You'll have to wait and see.
In a perfect world I'd have some more gear to work with. Maybe a fast, fixed focal length lens and some extra lighting equipment just in case. But with the great outdoors, where I actually prefer to work, the light is free and I just have to work with it and use it to my advantage.
To be fair to all involved, we are cutting the couple one helluva deal but I consider this a skill building session. That's not to say that I won't give 110% because barring a case of SARS on Saturday, I'll be there ready to go and plan on taking plenty of time this week - a bit of a crash course - to further hone my portrait skills. The setting for the wedding is on a beach so that just opens up more opportunities. All I need to remember to do is to charge my battery packs. Maybe this will open up a new career path for me. I love what I already do in the field of photography so why not further explore it? And what should the photographer wear to an outdoor summer wedding? Any ideas?
Will some of this coming weekend's photos make the cut at MinnPics? You'll have to wait and see.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Things learned about the PGA Championship
Monday afternoon, on the first day of the PGA Chanpionship in Chaska, MN, I made the mistake of driving from my south of the river office to Excelsior on the south side of Lake Minnetonka. I remembered the fact that the PGA Championship was in Chaska as I sat among a line of yellow FIrst Student school busses navigating my way through the Hwy. 101/Old 212 snarl along the Minnesota River. I quickly decided to avoid Chaska entirely and chose the travesty known as Hwy. 101.
Coming back home to the south was another story. After my photographic journey to Lake Minnetonka and my large cup of soda in hand, I headed down Hwy. 41 through Chaska. I looked ahead at one of the stoplights and saw little to no traffic. I was pleasantly surprised and still reminded that the PGA Championship was almost across the highway from where I currently was. A hotel/conference center even had a courtesy lemonade stand set up at their entrance for golf fans using their parking lot.
I saw the almost desserted Kohl's store (which seems entirely unnecessary in its location - I give it two years before it's closed) and as I approached the stoplight near the Target store that's when my worst fears were realized.
I despise stopped traffic and when cars turning couldn't even get in to the line of stopped cars, I got a bit mad. The Minnesota Highway Patrol cars parked on the side of the highway may have been in a primo spot to manage traffic earlier in the day but now they were about a mile too far north. Using my laser eyes, I tried to communicate with them (via intense staring) that they needed to take their maroon and golds on down the road a mile and direct traffic there - closer to Highway 212). The few folks crossing the highway at this particular intersection could manage just fine and the mostly respectable Minnesota drivers would rarely, if ever, run down a pedestrian (although bikers are apparently a different story).
However, I dialed back my anger and realized that these people were spending buckets of coin in Chaska - the 20th most livable community in America. Or were they?
So tens of thousands of golf fans park 15 miles away at the paved oasis known as Canterbury Park only to ride a school bus to a golf course where they can't even leave the labels on their water bottles. I'm all for tourism but maybe the host town of a huge event like this could become a little more involved than just hanging some banners on their street lights.
Will there be PGA photos on MinnPics? You'll have to check it out to know...
Coming back home to the south was another story. After my photographic journey to Lake Minnetonka and my large cup of soda in hand, I headed down Hwy. 41 through Chaska. I looked ahead at one of the stoplights and saw little to no traffic. I was pleasantly surprised and still reminded that the PGA Championship was almost across the highway from where I currently was. A hotel/conference center even had a courtesy lemonade stand set up at their entrance for golf fans using their parking lot.
I saw the almost desserted Kohl's store (which seems entirely unnecessary in its location - I give it two years before it's closed) and as I approached the stoplight near the Target store that's when my worst fears were realized.
I despise stopped traffic and when cars turning couldn't even get in to the line of stopped cars, I got a bit mad. The Minnesota Highway Patrol cars parked on the side of the highway may have been in a primo spot to manage traffic earlier in the day but now they were about a mile too far north. Using my laser eyes, I tried to communicate with them (via intense staring) that they needed to take their maroon and golds on down the road a mile and direct traffic there - closer to Highway 212). The few folks crossing the highway at this particular intersection could manage just fine and the mostly respectable Minnesota drivers would rarely, if ever, run down a pedestrian (although bikers are apparently a different story).
However, I dialed back my anger and realized that these people were spending buckets of coin in Chaska - the 20th most livable community in America. Or were they?
So tens of thousands of golf fans park 15 miles away at the paved oasis known as Canterbury Park only to ride a school bus to a golf course where they can't even leave the labels on their water bottles. I'm all for tourism but maybe the host town of a huge event like this could become a little more involved than just hanging some banners on their street lights.
Will there be PGA photos on MinnPics? You'll have to check it out to know...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Insulting border states
I grew up literally within miles of the Iowa border but I've never lived outside of the state of Minnesota. Growing up, 44%* of all jokes had something degratory towards Iowans in the punchline. I gathered from those formidable years that Iowans were A) all Norwegians and B) extremely stupid and some eved fornicated with sheep.
As I grew up, I found myself still poking fun at Iowans. If someone stopped as they pulled off the freeway (Interstate 90) on to southbound U.S. Highway 218 - totally unaware that the turn lane formed a new lane on the U.S. highway - I would often times curse aloud that the person in front of me must be a "stupid Iowan jackass" even if their license plates said otherwise.
But then I moved to the Twin Cities. My rage towards Iowans came to an abrupt end. The cool thing, it seems, was to make Wisconsin the butt of your jokes. (To be fair, the only thing both states have going for them is liquor sales much more relaxed than Minnesota's) The only problem with jokes about Wisconsin is that I am a transplant to the area and, thusly, wasn't raised with an axe to grind against Wisconsin. I don't know the stereotypes (outside of their love of cheese, the Packers and deer hunting) of Wisconsinites and because of that I feel more than a little left out. It's like walking in to a costume party without a costume, you're gonna feel a bit awkward.
So the time has come that I either shelve my fake disdain of Sconnies or get on the bandwagon and learn the age-old jokes. After all, it seems like tradition and traditions are strong and I hope to one day be able to pass on my love of border state degradation to my daughter - and she'll hopefully be doubly blessed because I have my non-love towards Iowa down.
The only question I have is this: do residents of other states (if you live close to the border) practice the same degradation of your neighboring state? What do residents of northern Iowa say about us kind Minnesotans?
One safe haven from both Wisconsin and Iowa is MinnPics. No grudges shall be had in photography because this is one place where we know Minnesota is supreme.
As I grew up, I found myself still poking fun at Iowans. If someone stopped as they pulled off the freeway (Interstate 90) on to southbound U.S. Highway 218 - totally unaware that the turn lane formed a new lane on the U.S. highway - I would often times curse aloud that the person in front of me must be a "stupid Iowan jackass" even if their license plates said otherwise.
But then I moved to the Twin Cities. My rage towards Iowans came to an abrupt end. The cool thing, it seems, was to make Wisconsin the butt of your jokes. (To be fair, the only thing both states have going for them is liquor sales much more relaxed than Minnesota's) The only problem with jokes about Wisconsin is that I am a transplant to the area and, thusly, wasn't raised with an axe to grind against Wisconsin. I don't know the stereotypes (outside of their love of cheese, the Packers and deer hunting) of Wisconsinites and because of that I feel more than a little left out. It's like walking in to a costume party without a costume, you're gonna feel a bit awkward.
So the time has come that I either shelve my fake disdain of Sconnies or get on the bandwagon and learn the age-old jokes. After all, it seems like tradition and traditions are strong and I hope to one day be able to pass on my love of border state degradation to my daughter - and she'll hopefully be doubly blessed because I have my non-love towards Iowa down.
The only question I have is this: do residents of other states (if you live close to the border) practice the same degradation of your neighboring state? What do residents of northern Iowa say about us kind Minnesotans?
One safe haven from both Wisconsin and Iowa is MinnPics. No grudges shall be had in photography because this is one place where we know Minnesota is supreme.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Advertising has apparently gotten very cheap
I know that the economy is in the crapper but it's even more apparent when you listen to the radio. The products and services advertised wouldn't be able to afford advertising unless the rates were so low and the products and services seem to be custom-tailored for a time where 3 out of 10 people are perched on the ledge ready to jump from the nearest tall building. But what about the products? What are they and what do they promise?
Quietus: A product, in a chewable pill, that eliminates the ringing in your ears caused by machinery, electronic devices and loud music. The commercial even mentioned some sort of medical term for the "problem". I rank this one right up there with fibromyalgia and restless leg syndrome in the medical-problems-we-didn't-know-we-had-until-a-cure-was-invented file.
Bio-Life Plasma Services: Sell your plasma (blood). Hey, you can do it twice a month and pocket a couple hundred bucks. It only takes an hour each time and, let's face it, all you're doing is eating Ramen and watching a marathon of Spongebob Squarepants episodes. I have a feeling that business has definitely increased at places like this because two of the most popular ways for college kids to earn cash easily is to donate sperm or sell plasma - now those trends have just moved on to the general population.
ComputerTraining.com: In just 6 months you can become a certified IT Professional. It's easy and you'll become that person at your office who is irreplaceable. Wow, I didn't know that I could learn everything there is to know about PCs and the technology that supports them in a mere six months. Hell, I'm going to their website right now because I believe every claim I hear on the radio and if they have a website it lends that much more credibility to their business model.
And there are tons of others, too, who are taking advantage both of the rock-bottom ad rates on radio and the gullibility of Americans. Then there's Google AdSense. Since when has Google spent a dime to advertise anywhere?
But the best advertising is word of mouth and that's apparently how people find MinnPics. Awesome photos all about Minnesota!
Quietus: A product, in a chewable pill, that eliminates the ringing in your ears caused by machinery, electronic devices and loud music. The commercial even mentioned some sort of medical term for the "problem". I rank this one right up there with fibromyalgia and restless leg syndrome in the medical-problems-we-didn't-know-we-had-until-a-cure-was-invented file.
Bio-Life Plasma Services: Sell your plasma (blood). Hey, you can do it twice a month and pocket a couple hundred bucks. It only takes an hour each time and, let's face it, all you're doing is eating Ramen and watching a marathon of Spongebob Squarepants episodes. I have a feeling that business has definitely increased at places like this because two of the most popular ways for college kids to earn cash easily is to donate sperm or sell plasma - now those trends have just moved on to the general population.
ComputerTraining.com: In just 6 months you can become a certified IT Professional. It's easy and you'll become that person at your office who is irreplaceable. Wow, I didn't know that I could learn everything there is to know about PCs and the technology that supports them in a mere six months. Hell, I'm going to their website right now because I believe every claim I hear on the radio and if they have a website it lends that much more credibility to their business model.
And there are tons of others, too, who are taking advantage both of the rock-bottom ad rates on radio and the gullibility of Americans. Then there's Google AdSense. Since when has Google spent a dime to advertise anywhere?
But the best advertising is word of mouth and that's apparently how people find MinnPics. Awesome photos all about Minnesota!
Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite?
I hate celebrities but this one is just too crazy not to mention: Apparently the odd pop singer famous for her stupid statements and bizarre costumes has admitted that she is a hermaphrodite. Yes, the pop singer who burst on to the scene in the past year is supposedly the proud owner of both male and female genitalia. And there's proof via a video from England's Glastonbury Festival.
“The reason I haven’t talked about it is that it’s not a big deal to me. Like come on. It’s not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big f*cking deal.”
That quote is as least suspicious due to the fact that it has no origin and what good is a quote if it can't be sourced to the person who supposedly said it?
In my opinion, I have to say that the freeze-frame of the video is very convincing but she must be one hell of a tuck artist if it's true because after seeing her photo shoot from Rolling Stone I did not see a bulge of any sort. On the other hand, if Lady Gaga is the owner of a penis it would at least begin to explain just how weird she is - not that a chick with a penis is destined to be weird but Gaga is extraordinarily weird. Whatever the case is, Lady Gaga doesn't deserve all of this attention. She is too weird and stupid to justify even rumors about her. I just wish she'd shut the hell up and go away.
In my opinion, I have to say that the freeze-frame of the video is very convincing but she must be one hell of a tuck artist if it's true because after seeing her photo shoot from Rolling Stone I did not see a bulge of any sort. On the other hand, if Lady Gaga is the owner of a penis it would at least begin to explain just how weird she is - not that a chick with a penis is destined to be weird but Gaga is extraordinarily weird. Whatever the case is, Lady Gaga doesn't deserve all of this attention. She is too weird and stupid to justify even rumors about her. I just wish she'd shut the hell up and go away.
UPDATE: Being that the subject of Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite just won't go away, I did some more investigating in search of a crotch shot and, well, it seems that the bulge in the crotch of her leotard isn't a raging case of camel toe... 
At least MinnPics doesn't traffic in celebrities, rumors or any combination of the two. Check out the killer photos now!
At least MinnPics doesn't traffic in celebrities, rumors or any combination of the two. Check out the killer photos now!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Is temporary insanity a welcome relief?
How many times have you come dangerously close to "losing it"? Think about it for a moment. Now think how many times you've considered spitting in someone's face, smearing your feces on the vehicle whose driver pissed you off to such an extent that you considered calling the cops on them or just wanted to unleash a string of profanities on someone you deem "too dumb to exist"?
The stresses of daily life can be great but smearing poo on a parked vehicle will usually get you arrested - or at least garner some strange looks. But, if you claim that you are (or legitimately are) crazy, you've got an easy out. Temporary insanity is a total cop out. People have used it as an excuse for murder and gone right back (basically) to their daily lives. But what can the average, pissed off citizen do to use temporary insanity to their advantage?
The best way is to use your own temporary insanity is to actually save you sanity. It all comes full circle to the level of stress you carry. Truly "losing it" will have some stiff legal ramifications but "snapping" and writing it off as temporary insanity could actually get you condolences. I'm not advocating the burning down of someone's house because their dog is barking but you have to find a release for the anger. You could punch a wall but that cold hurt your fist because every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If the neighbor's dog is barking and won't shut the hell up, get in your car and drive to a desolate rural area and scream as loudly as you can. Kick gravel and hit something with a board or lead pipe. Don't inflict harm on someone else's property but get it out before you end up walking in to a gym in Pittsburg and shooting people at random.
I've gone to such extremes as hurling a barrel used as a garbage can at a post. Once my frustration was out, I put the barrel back in its place and, as my friends laughed until tears streamed down their faces, moved on with my life. I've also taken a large hammer to a pile of rocks and swung furiously as I smashed those rocks with shards of them flying in all directions. The end result was smaller bits of rocks and less stress on my part. It ended better than ramming my cart into a Walmart employee.
How do you go about dealing with your stress? Do you have temporary insanity moments or rage blackouts?
Or do you bathe in the awesomeness that is MinnPics? Photos can be relaxing so go now and explore the past year's worth of greatness.
The stresses of daily life can be great but smearing poo on a parked vehicle will usually get you arrested - or at least garner some strange looks. But, if you claim that you are (or legitimately are) crazy, you've got an easy out. Temporary insanity is a total cop out. People have used it as an excuse for murder and gone right back (basically) to their daily lives. But what can the average, pissed off citizen do to use temporary insanity to their advantage?
The best way is to use your own temporary insanity is to actually save you sanity. It all comes full circle to the level of stress you carry. Truly "losing it" will have some stiff legal ramifications but "snapping" and writing it off as temporary insanity could actually get you condolences. I'm not advocating the burning down of someone's house because their dog is barking but you have to find a release for the anger. You could punch a wall but that cold hurt your fist because every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If the neighbor's dog is barking and won't shut the hell up, get in your car and drive to a desolate rural area and scream as loudly as you can. Kick gravel and hit something with a board or lead pipe. Don't inflict harm on someone else's property but get it out before you end up walking in to a gym in Pittsburg and shooting people at random.
I've gone to such extremes as hurling a barrel used as a garbage can at a post. Once my frustration was out, I put the barrel back in its place and, as my friends laughed until tears streamed down their faces, moved on with my life. I've also taken a large hammer to a pile of rocks and swung furiously as I smashed those rocks with shards of them flying in all directions. The end result was smaller bits of rocks and less stress on my part. It ended better than ramming my cart into a Walmart employee.
How do you go about dealing with your stress? Do you have temporary insanity moments or rage blackouts?
Or do you bathe in the awesomeness that is MinnPics? Photos can be relaxing so go now and explore the past year's worth of greatness.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
August 8th is a BIG holiday
The modern calendar is literally littered with pointless, often times manufactured holidays. August 8th is no different. I found this one while searching for a recipe. I plan on celebrating it this year.
If you live anywhere within 75 miles of me, you could come out winning BIG on this one. I have a fridge full of zucchini and your name is written all over them. Hell, I'll even volunteer to keep the U.S. Post Office in business and mail these fuckers all over America. Be careful when you open your front door and be wary of checking your mailbox. You could very well be getting a pile of the gift that keeps on giving - zucchini.
MinnPics celebrates holidays, just not the fake ones. Check it daily or a fluffy kitten dies.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
List of Minnesota Post Offices to close
WESTERN Northland DUL - WEST DULUTH STAT DULUTH MN
WESTERN Northland MAN-NORTH MANKATO BR MANKATO MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-BROOKLYN PARK BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-BUTLER QUARTER ST MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-COMMERCE STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-CRYSTAL BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-DIAMOND LAKE STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-DINKY TOWN STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-EDINA BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-NOKOMIS STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-PLYMOUTH BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-RICHFIELD BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland ROC-BEAR CREEK STA ROCHESTER MN
WESTERN Northland ROC-CITY STA ROCHESTER MN
WESTERN Northland STC-CENTRE PLACE STA SAINT CLOUD MN
WESTERN Northland STC-WAITE PARK BR SAINT CLOUD MN
WESTERN Northland STP-COMO STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland STP-MENDOTA BR SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-MN TRANSFER STA SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-SEEGER SQUARE FST SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-TWIN CITIES AMF S SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-UPTOWN STA SAINT PAUL MN
The language and codes used can be a bit confusing but the list itself is fairly cut and dry. I am surprised to a certain extent that most of these branches are in heavily populated areas but I suppose those are the branches of the U.S. Post Office that have been heaviest hit due to more people using e-mail and online bill payment options. I somehow pictured rural branches shutting their doors and Granny Gertrude having to drive 15 miles for stamps in her Cadillac Eldorado down dusty gravel roads, dodging cattle and farm equipment.
Do any of you reading this use these branches? Are they even remotely busy or close in proximity to toher branches which are staying open?
And with all this mundane news, pick your spirits up by visiting MinnPics. Photos always make me smile!
WESTERN Northland MAN-NORTH MANKATO BR MANKATO MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-BROOKLYN PARK BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-BUTLER QUARTER ST MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-COMMERCE STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-CRYSTAL BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-DIAMOND LAKE STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-DINKY TOWN STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-EDINA BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-NOKOMIS STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-PLYMOUTH BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland MIN-RICHFIELD BR MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland ROC-BEAR CREEK STA ROCHESTER MN
WESTERN Northland ROC-CITY STA ROCHESTER MN
WESTERN Northland STC-CENTRE PLACE STA SAINT CLOUD MN
WESTERN Northland STC-WAITE PARK BR SAINT CLOUD MN
WESTERN Northland STP-COMO STA MINNEAPOLIS MN
WESTERN Northland STP-MENDOTA BR SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-MN TRANSFER STA SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-SEEGER SQUARE FST SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-TWIN CITIES AMF S SAINT PAUL MN
WESTERN Northland STP-UPTOWN STA SAINT PAUL MN
The language and codes used can be a bit confusing but the list itself is fairly cut and dry. I am surprised to a certain extent that most of these branches are in heavily populated areas but I suppose those are the branches of the U.S. Post Office that have been heaviest hit due to more people using e-mail and online bill payment options. I somehow pictured rural branches shutting their doors and Granny Gertrude having to drive 15 miles for stamps in her Cadillac Eldorado down dusty gravel roads, dodging cattle and farm equipment.
Do any of you reading this use these branches? Are they even remotely busy or close in proximity to toher branches which are staying open?
And with all this mundane news, pick your spirits up by visiting MinnPics. Photos always make me smile!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Water, softening and the headaches they cause
Rarely do I get truly scared about something but this is one of those times. Let's take a step back a few years to when we bought our house. It was the coldest day in January waaaaay back in 2005. We closed on the house on the only day which had snowfall and it was as close to a blizzard as we've had in this part of Minnesota for quite some time.
The first full day in our house found me making two trips back to my old apartment to pick up the last remnants of our stuff and return the trailer I had rented. I also picked up some softener salt because, dammit, a water softener needs salt. I remember grabbing six bags because I was there and I had a relative's truck. I made my way back home and deposited the bags of salt into the softener. All was working well.
Then about a year ago I noticed that the water felt hard. I was all too familiar with this due to the fact that while growing up on a farm, the hard and rusty well water would sometimes wreak havoc on the softener in the basement. My dad eventually became well accustomed to the quirks of it and could muddle through the mechanics of this foreign device on his own and save literally hundreds of dollars in service calls and expert repairs. He, of course, became my lifeline as I looked for help with my own water softener. Whatever I did worked. The softener started sucking up salt again and we had soft water.
Then this past winter the water became hard again. I noticed more moisture than usual on the concrete floor and upon popping the lid off of the softener's brine tank I found it to be totally full of water. It had been overflowing with each regeneration - spilling water on to the floor and down the floor drain (eventually).
Since that time the water softener had wobbled between hard and soft water and because of the wife's leg lotion consumption, I am at a breaking point. I am confident after looking through some similar owner's manuals I found online that I can remove the valve assemble of the water softener control module and I have a good idea of what the problem is.
This is where my fear comes in. What if I get the whole thing disassembled and because of the lack of any discernible model number (and the owner's manual being M.I.A.) can't get parts? What if I break the whole damn thing in a fit of frustration? What if I lose some integral part in my hasty disassembly as the wife makes me sweat while asking aloud "are you done yet?" or "do you know what you're doing?"? Or what if I fix the whole thing and can't get it reassembled? Those, my fellow do-it-yourselfers, are my fears.
Some people had better weekends than mine and they can be seen on MinnPics. Check it out!
The first full day in our house found me making two trips back to my old apartment to pick up the last remnants of our stuff and return the trailer I had rented. I also picked up some softener salt because, dammit, a water softener needs salt. I remember grabbing six bags because I was there and I had a relative's truck. I made my way back home and deposited the bags of salt into the softener. All was working well.
Then about a year ago I noticed that the water felt hard. I was all too familiar with this due to the fact that while growing up on a farm, the hard and rusty well water would sometimes wreak havoc on the softener in the basement. My dad eventually became well accustomed to the quirks of it and could muddle through the mechanics of this foreign device on his own and save literally hundreds of dollars in service calls and expert repairs. He, of course, became my lifeline as I looked for help with my own water softener. Whatever I did worked. The softener started sucking up salt again and we had soft water.
Then this past winter the water became hard again. I noticed more moisture than usual on the concrete floor and upon popping the lid off of the softener's brine tank I found it to be totally full of water. It had been overflowing with each regeneration - spilling water on to the floor and down the floor drain (eventually).
Since that time the water softener had wobbled between hard and soft water and because of the wife's leg lotion consumption, I am at a breaking point. I am confident after looking through some similar owner's manuals I found online that I can remove the valve assemble of the water softener control module and I have a good idea of what the problem is.
This is where my fear comes in. What if I get the whole thing disassembled and because of the lack of any discernible model number (and the owner's manual being M.I.A.) can't get parts? What if I break the whole damn thing in a fit of frustration? What if I lose some integral part in my hasty disassembly as the wife makes me sweat while asking aloud "are you done yet?" or "do you know what you're doing?"? Or what if I fix the whole thing and can't get it reassembled? Those, my fellow do-it-yourselfers, are my fears.
Some people had better weekends than mine and they can be seen on MinnPics. Check it out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
