We've got a screamer

A lot happened during the past weekend. My sister-in-law stumbled down our back steps and broke a terra cotta pot as well as bruising her knee and foot. Two of my nephews got in a fight with one receiving the business end of a toy tractor in the head - yes, there was blood. I grilled many pounds of meat. I saw a lot of sauerkraut eaten. I finished the swing project in the back yard which resulted in a whole gaggle of happy kids.

And then there was the baby. I have a very happy girl. Well, whe wasn't exactly the picture of happy late Friday afternoon as we struggled to get out of the house by 7 PM to get to a birthday party. It was one of those epic meltdowns. We could't figure out what the hell was wrong. She screamed to the point of hyperventilating. We fed her which didn't accomplish anything because it really isn't feeding (drinking) if she won't take her bottle. We changed her diaper. We tried to get her to relax by rolling on the floor. We gave her a bath which she screamed all the way through. We then resorted to drugging the baby.

We tried baby Tylenol. We followed that with baby gas medicine. Then my old lady rubbed some Orajel on the baby's gums. Whatever the case, one of the thirty or so things we did calmed her down and we were on our way to Friday's obligations and the rest of the weekend.

Then came late Sunday. The baby grabbed my sister-in-law's fingers and stuffed them in her mouth. She said that she felt something. My reaction was "Yeah, she's slowly gumming you to death". But she went exploring. Pulling her lip down and pushing that tiny baby tongue back. And there they were. Two front bottom teeth just through the gums. That explains the screaming from Friday night but she's a total trooper. Two teeth at once and nothing more than a couple hours of screaming. Color me impressed.

Head over to MinnPics to see what a happy baby in a swing looks like. And other stuff from the weekend that was.

What are your weekend plans?

Rarely do I know what I'll be doing two or three days in advance and I almost never make weekend plans but being as I call the southwest metro of the Twin Cities home, I always make it a point to head on down U.S. Highway 169 to the Minnesota Highway 19 exit and visit the river side town of Henderson on the last weekend of June. In particular, Sunday is a good day because it's the crown jewel (so to speak) of Henderson's annual Sauer Kraut Days celebration.

Yep, noon on Sunday marks the start of the parade with 3 PM Sunday bringing the Sauer Kraut-eating contest. Oh, you haven't lived until you've seen a handful of contestants creatively wolfing down two pounds of sauer kraut. You'll either be doubled over with laughter or doubled over in disgust, chocking back vomit.

I guess Sauer Kraut Days is something of a big deal for Henderson. In previous years I seem to remember FOX 9 doing a live report and a Star-Tribune article this year seems to at least mention the festival. It's worth the drive - about 25 minutes from Shakopee - and if you're lucky you just might see me at the parade. (full schedule here) I'll be the guy with the world's cutest 7 month old baby girl and a Nikon D80 camera. Say "hi" and enjoy some kraut!

And be sure to check MinnPics next week for Kraut-tastic photos!

Michael Jackson dead at 50

This sort of caught me off guard. First off Michael Jackson planned a huge set of comeback concerts in London, England later this year and then we flip the TV on just minutes ago and catch the end of a CBS News Special about the life and death of Michael Jackson - the king of pop.

I was never a huge fan of his, probably not even a miniscule fan but there is no denying the fact that he was probably the biggest and most influential name in pop music in the 1980s and maybe the entire 20th century. His dance moves and epic production values set the bar for popular music in that decade. I think his music has also influenced the biggest name in pop music in the 21st century thus far - Justin Timberlake. It's very easy to see and hear similarities. Timberlake's stage show incorporates plenty of dancing, his videos are almost always epic - particularly the video for What Goes Around... - and his falsetto singing voice is the most obvious trait shared by Michael Jackson.

Sure, Jackson led what most will bill as a weird life. From his obviously endless rounds of plastic surgery that transformed his face from normal to freakish and the accusations of child molestation at his child-like paradise of Neverland Ranch in California, he was, to put it kindly, eccentric.

Whatever the case, he inspired a generation and marked a turning point in music. From a child in his family's group, The Jackson Five, it as obvious that he was the star. He died tonight in a Los Angeles hospital of cardiac arrest at the age of 50.

View his video for Thriller here.

Looks vs. Personality

Lately, it seems like everyone has at least mentioned the likes of Kate Gosselin and Heidi Montag. The whole "reality" genre of television is what I think has contributed to the ruining of scripted television as a whole. I loathe the genre and everything about it. I hate how it thrusts everyday people who are totally unaware of what happens when fame strikes into the limelight. It ruins their lives but often gives them gobs of cash - a truly double-edged sword.

But the real topic here is looks versus personality. In a conversation yesterday it was decided that someone should do a graph depicting the mix of the two, the ideal/typical median and a scientific sampling of a handful of female "celebrities".

I chose Roseanne, Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Kate Gosselin, Tyra Banks, Megan Fox and Heidi Montag in my scientific graph. Look at those results and remember the red line is the median. WHere would some other celebrities land? Where would you land? Me? I'd be squarely in the lower left hand corner. Celebrity-free is the way MinnPics is. It focuses on great photography in Minnesota and you should really take a gander.

Hot scoop: the Jon and Kate plus 8 announcement

For an entire week, cable channel TLC has kept tens of millions of Americans on the edge of their collective seats by constantly airing this teaser about tonight's Jon and Kate Plus Eight announcement:



What could it be? They've made decisions to bring peace to their lives. But what are those decisions?

We all know that the real decision is that Jon Gosselin finally grew some balls and decided to divorce his gold-digging, child-exploiting wife in favor of a twenty-something teacher. Well, actually Kate decided to divorce him because she is the one who makes every decision in this off-kilter family but it was fun to speculate that Jon decided on the divorce.

Even more fun is to speculate on some far-flung ideas about what this huge announcement and decision could be. Maybe Kate Gosselin has decided to join the church of Scientology. Maybe she has opted for sexual reassignment surgery because after being the one with the theoretical balls in the relationship, she wanted some actual balls. Or maybe Kate has decided that Jon is going to get neutered - he already is to a certain degree but she wants to make it official. Or maybe, and this is a huge maybe, Kate Gosselin has decided to announce that she is a robot from the planet Bitch.

On a cheerier note, check out MinnPics. It's a photo project of sorts chronicling all things Minnesota.

The world's best Father's Day gift

Well, my first Father's Day has come and gone and my only observation is this: where in the hell are the all-you-can-eat Father's Day buffets? Mom gets this treatment so why not dad?

And no matter what you may be thinking, I didn't get a weekend at a nude resort. Or did I? What did you all do to celebrate this Hallmark holiday? Me? I spent the day cutting an immense pile of lumber.

Be sure to keep up on all things Minnesota with MinnPics. The first birthday week is only two weeks away... can you feel the excitement in the air? Maybe it's just humidity.

Tornado hits Austin, Minnesota

If no new is good news, I'll take it at its face value. That's how I'm thinking after hearing about the tornado that touched down in my old hometown of Austin, Minnesota last night. I actually knew nothing about it until my parents called and I saw a rather quick and sketchy report on last night's 10 PM news on KSTP.

I've seen Facebook posts from friends in Austin so I can gather that they are alright but when a tornado hits the place where you used to live, it gives you a whole new respect for the power of Mother Nature. On the other hand, last night marked the first tornado of the year in Minnesota. A late, but powerful, start to the severe weather season. Check out the photo gallery from the Austin Daily Herald.

The other Austin, Minnesota area media outlets have some decent coverage as well...
KAAL-TV story photos more photos, Rochester Post Bulletin, KIMT-TV

The main area of damage is apparently in the northern edge of the city with damage in the city's industrial park, the Winddrift Lounge, Todd Park and businesses in Mapleview.

And check MinnPics later because I'm sure I'll unearth some storm photos later in the day.

An innovation in wiping technology

Have you ever cringed at the thought of having to wipe your own ass? Does it disgust you to have your digits so close to the local sewage treatment plant? Are you unable to reach all the way back to your gaping ass crack?

If so, Comfort Wipe is for you.



Ah, where to begin?

If you need a wand to attach your toilet paper to, you have more problems than can be solved by a toilet paper holding wand. And if you're too big to reach around your own body, you probably do need to poop more but throw in some exercise too. Am I alone in finding this extremely disgusting?

Now that you're thouroughly disgusted, hop on over to MinnPics and check out the photos from across Minnesota taken by ultra-talented Minnesotans. Don't forget about the huge MinnPics first birthday week beginning July 7th. It's HUGE!

Thank You Craigslist

It's amazing what you can find on Craigslist - especially when you're not really looking for it.

After a family thing yesterday, I was amazed at how much the baby liked her cousin's swing. She seemed almost angry when we plucked her out of it. It made me realize that I'm going to need a backyard swing sooner rather than later.

That is where the Craigslist search came in. A simple search for "swing" in the for sale items brought up 1,000 items. But it was this one that jumped out at me.

Original Love/sex Swing

4 legs. Stands about 6.5ft tall.

Comfortably holds 200lbs.

Paint chipping from legs, only cosmetic. does not come in original package.

Cash only, pickup only. Maplewood by lower afton and mcknight.

Will delete posting when item gone.

I don't care how thrifty a person is, it takes a different type of person to buy someone's used sex swing. That's like picking up a used vibrator at a garage sale. It's a line that shouldn't be crossed.

MinnPics is devoid of most things odd and sexual and has big things planned during it's first birthday week beginning July 6th.

Sarah Palin is like Jon and Kate plus Eight

Sarah Palin needs to go away. Apparently more than a few people took issue with a joke on David Letterman's Late Show on CBS earlier this week. Letterman apologized in both a serious and backhanded way implying that to take issue with one of his jokes is ludicrous because, as he said, he has thousands of jokes he is ashamed of ever telling. But that's not my real beef.

My real beef is with Sarah Palin and how she has officially wore out her fifteen minutes of "fame". She is only famous (and I use that term loosely) because an old white guy chose her as his running mate to counter an actual progressive action in modern politics - the nomination of Barack Obama for the Democratic ticket.

It seems that it was John McCain's very basic goal to simply pick a woman. He took one from the last place anyone would care about - Alaska - but failed to investigate her qualifications. First off, she has a daughter, Bristol (named after the city in Tennessee? Kudos.) who is obviously the poster for abstinence-only sex education. How'd that work out for you? Oh, you say she has a baby already and was knocked up at the age of 17? That's very mavericky of her.

Sure, kids make decisions, wise or not, that truly should have no bearing on their parents but Sarah Palin was hand-picked to be the candidate for the second most powerful position in the country. For better or worse, that puts your entire family under the scrutiny of the rather bizarre media landscape today. That means that you'll be the butt of plenty of jokes and so will your family. Learn to deal with it. You'll be scrutinized. Your supporters will be outraged by those jokes because that's what they do.

But for her supporters in elected office to call for the firing of David Letterman, that's insane. He apologized. Nothing he said was racially offensive. Sure, he pulled out the slutty remark about Sarah Palin's appearance but it was in the context of a joke and directed a pregnancy joke at the wrong daughter but it's done. It isn't like he called her a cunt. There, I said it.

Phrases to live by

It's probably not odd but for me, most of my best ideas are hatched in the bathroom or after midnight. Here are a few - try to figure out their birth place.

If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.

If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.

If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

You look like a horse.

To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.

The customer is always right except when they're wrong.

The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.

If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.

Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.

Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!

Anya Marina - All the same to me

Think of it as "A Day at a Bordello". That's how I'm going to describe San Diego native Anya Marina's first video for the tune All the Same to Me. It's breathy, it has dancing girls and it looks to be straight out of a classy burlesque show. And that's just the beginning of why I am a fan of this video.



It's refreshing to see someone officially make it who originally began choosing music for others to listen to. For a while, Marina was a DJ at San Diego alt-rocker FM 94/9 so she should know what people like. Sure, her music isn't everyone's cup of tea but I've like the tune since I first heard it a few months ago and the visual aspect of it just adds another layer to the entire Anya marina experience.

Things my imaginary intern can do for me

If only I had an intern. I would treat him or her exactly how I am treated. The following exchange features my simple request first with my reactions following.

Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.

Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.

Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.

Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.

Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.

All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.

MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.

The word of the day is "bitter"

The suburbs are supposedly a peaceful haven where people move to get away from the noise, hustle and bustle of the big city. I guess it's that rather mistaken identity that prompts the uptight citizens of certain suburbs to write well-worded but still bitter letters to the editor about what some would see as a rather prominent cultural event coming to their city and billing it as nothing but "vulgar noise".

That is what a husband and wife from Shakopee (who each wrote a letter which got published) called Soundset '09 which took place on Sunday, May 24 - Memorial Day weekend. Soundset, if you didn't know, is an all-day rap/hip-hop festival which took place at Canterbury Park. It is one of just a few venues in the Twin Cities where outdoor concert events take place and if these sticks in the mud have their way it wouldn't happen there again.

I'm a huge music fan and I've lived near outdoor events which I didn't attend. I loved sitting on my deck listening ot the music off in the distance. It always made the bland sameness of the suburbs seem alive but the letters by Kathy and Cliff Stafford give me the impression that they would only be happy if everyone in the city shut their mouths and simply played canasta only to call it a night by 8 PM.

Sure, to many hip-hop is just noise but I'm fairly certain that the music of their generation was called noise by their elders as well. It's a never-ending circle and these "forward-thinking" citizens who want their peace and quiet can keep on bitching because I'm fairly certain that while there are plenty of others who feel the same way, the hundreds of thousands of dollars this event brought in trump the backwoods views of two people who complained about some homegrown Minnesota hip-hop which is far from vulgar. Form your own opinions and listen to some Brother Ali, Atmosphere and P.O.S.

But if you can't stand the "noise", go inside (like almost all other suburbanites), close your windows, turn on a fan and the TV and that should pretty much cover up the "noise".

If you appreciate all things Minnesota, check out the amazing photos at MinnPics.

The interview with me: Part Two

On the urging of a commenter on what was actually part one of the interview I did with my recently invented personality, Captain Fantastic, here are some follow-up questions...

Captain Fantastic: Are you a side sleeper or back sleeper?
Sornie: Usually I am a side sleeper but that's a lot of work because I usually end up on my back by morning. It takes a lot of energy to hold the side sleeping pose.

CF: Chocolate or vanilla?
S: I an not opposed some chocolate. Dark-skinned women, hell - women of any skin color - are fine by me...

CF: No, I meant chocolate or vanilla ice cream?
S: Oh, Neopolitan all the way. I'm all about ice cream equality.

CF: Do you have an accent? I don't know why I picture you with a slight English or Nordic accent.
S: I am a typical midwesterner which means I don't have an accent. I sound just like someone from California, Illinois or Ohio. I don't have the fake accent that was portrayed in Fargo.

CF: Musical taste? What get's your toes-a-tapping?
S: A wie variety of things but I tend to go through music like I go through bottles of juice. I'm always discovering both new and old tunes but I tend to lean towards alternative music. FOr old stuff, think The Replacements and Social Distortion. For current stalwarts, think Green Day and Weezer and for new stuff that makes some people say "What?" think along the lines of Metric and Phoenix.

CF: Oh and when did you start taking pix for MinnPics?
S: I started taking photos with some regularity when I bought my first decent digital camera in 2003 and upgraded to a pro model in 2007. I don't feature a lot of my own work because that would be rather self-serving. I started MinnPics in July of 2008 and while I love it I am considering replacing it with another project. Would you miss MinnPics if it went away?

Kate Gosselin in a bikini!

Why is this in the top news searches on Google? Kate Gosselin in a bikini. So. What.

Wow. America is officially completely fucked when we care this much about an essentially single mom on vacation with her brood of medical miracle kids. We get it, you guys have your own show on TLC - a cable channel which should have its letters repossessed because when, in the last decade, has anyone gleaned one damn shred of intelligence and learning from this channel? Why not call it TMLC - The Manufactured Life Channel because it has become - with the help of the Gosselin family and their brood of whiny misfits - an 18/5 freakshow with every freakishly gargantuan family having their own show. There's the Duggards (sp?) and their cult-sized family of 18 kids and then Table for 12 whose family could field an entire baseball team - but none of them would be anything without the odd success of a woman who is today famous because her marriage is a total trainwreck and she wore a bikini - to the BEACH. Wow. Scandalous. And she isn't exactly smokin' hot in her bikini but if I was asked by her if I wanted to hit that , I'd probably say yes (with low lighting being a prerequisite) and quietly slip out the door before the inevitable crazy came out to say good morning in its own crazy way.