Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Because nobody's reading, here's my top five

Welcome, scant few readers, to this yea'rs summary of the top five posts here at A Day in the Life. It's been a strange and glorious year. 2008 had the Summer Olympics in Beijing, China. It also had a ton of increasingly insane ramblings during the summer months from yours truly. Then in April I coyly announced the impending birth of our first child. In November I asked for names and in mid-November she graced us with her presence. Oh, many points were awarded throughout the year because I'm a generous fellow. And as 2009 approaches, I am seriously considering invoking some sort of rule where I can take the points back much like a large company buying back their stock because, yes, even blogs are facing tough economic times and even facing bankruptcy.

But truly, you're here to see what the five most-clicked posts were here at Minnesota's home for random nothingness with a soul of stone, A Day in the Life. Without further ado, here we go...

#1 From camel toe to nipples, the olympics are the place
I covered the 2008 summer Olympics like a fucking blanket and in my thinking back to gymnasts with their suits too tight and bodies covered in sweat, some things, like camel toe and visible nippage, are inevitable. It was done purely as a joke in my attempt to mock the Olympics but apprently the world is full of perverts, all of whom landed here, and generated literally hundreds of thousands of page views. Thanks pervs, your traffic translated to about two bucks right here in my still empty pockets.

#2 I'm on camel toe patrol
Oddly enough, as I pored through the thousands of photos available at the NBC Olympics website, I caught zero instances of visible camel toe. Maybe the gymnasts and their Olympic cohorts are using some sort of camel toe avoiding powder or spray but their spandex suits just weren't sucking up into their most intimate of places. It still generated a fuckload of traffic which proves the relevance of the Olympic games... for perverts.

#3 Welcome to China, nipple capital of the world
Yes, three of my top five posts were about a mish-mash of nipples, camel toe and the Olympics. This is where I finally dished on some of the nippage photos I unearthed. The U.S. Women's Beach Volleyball duo of Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor provided most of the material as they were probably the most photographed athletes in Beijing. Again, thanks to the perverts across these fine United States for making August a huge month!

#4 Mix American Diner, Chaska, MN
If restaurant reviews work at Lazy Lighting, why not for me? I did just one restaurant review this year and even without photos, people read it. The decor of Mix American Diner in Chaska is, for lack of a better word, awesome. If only their early attempts at food had matched. With prices truly sky high during my June (I think) visit, I was truly disappointed. Pick a damn identity, already. Your food screams diner while your prices outpace those of a chain such as Olive Garden. Hey, with the economy the way it is I'd encourage anyone still reading this to give the downtown Chaska diner a shot because I've heard that they have adjusted prices and now actually include french fries with meals deserving of them.

#5 A blog post about blogging for bloggers
I can't take anything seriously but I am also a wealth of information. That combination is what spawned this post inspired by this post. Two parts humor, one part self-deprecation, three parts untruths, mix thoroughly and keep it short. Plenty of folks read it and maybe this re-pimping of it will bring people back. Or not.

Of course, as the year draws to a close and the world crumbles around us, there's some housekeeping duties left to tend to. I still have to update all of you who don't give a crap about the 2008 Death Pool. I'm fairly certain that not a damn one of those listed on the death pool kicked it but there are probably some candidates on that list worthy of being on 2009's Death Pool.

How could I forget about something I'm actually proud of? In July I launched MinnPics because I am at least an amateur photographer and I am truly inspired by alot of what I see posted by Minnesotans on Flickr. It's going slowly but steadily as I recently added a MinnPics Flickr pool and am always looking at other ways to make this little pet of mine something more. So after you sober up, check out MinnPics because right now I'm doing a year-end wrap-up of sorts with photos and would love to have you join the Flickr pool and contribute your amazing photos to it.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happiness is... a size 14?

It used to be said that blondes had all the fun. Now it's true that size 14 (which is a 10 or 12 in American sizes) ladies are the happiest and, in turn, must have all the fun. Think about it for a minute. A lady who is a size 10 or 12 can actually enjoy a meal. She isn't confined to having only a salad for lunch. And guys, when you wrap your arms around a size 10 or 12 lady, she doesn't feel like a damn skeleton. There's no sharp objects protruding from her that could mark you with bruises. There's no chance that one of her protruding ribs could puncture your lung.

Then there's the loving. Imagine a life where your hips aren't constantly bruised and jabbed. You don't have to worry about smashing the life out of the poor lady because she's not a damn feather. She has curves and let me just say that curves are good. To all you size 10 or 12 ladies, you are happy and you are actually average. You've got some junk in the trunk and it works because saggy-assed jeans are not a good look. Remember this, when you're eating that tasty piece of chocolate mint ice cream cake, you won't be running to the ladies' room in 15 minutes to puke it up.

Monday, December 29, 2008

When stores go out of business, I win

When I'm doing my Christmas shopping, I tend to lean towards bargains. When there's a sale on something that's on the list for whomever I'm buying for, I grab it because they'll think I paid double what it really cost.

This year, though, I've been hitting the going out of business sales. The first stop was Linens-N-Things. I've always liked their Burnsville, MN store and it's weird for a guy to say it but I like my house to be comfortable and that was just the place. I bought myself a clothes drying rack and the mother-in-law some ultra-plush bathroom towels which I considered buying double because they were so cheap and so damn soft. I just know I'd love drying my butt with something that soft.

The biggest score, though, was late Saturday afternoon at Burnsville Center. As my old lady bought frilly under things, I pushed MonsterStroller looking for a place to plant my ass. I inched closer to Steve & Barry's and noticed huge "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" signs. Having only shopped there once or twice, I figured I'd check the dump out for the final time. Five t-shirts for $10 was tempting but if I want to state a message, I'll just say it. Then I hit gold. 70% off baby clothes. Even in the relatively small area they were relegated to the selection wasn't half bad - especially when you factor in their bargain basement original prices.

I grabbed a random but carefully-chosen stack of clothes there just as my old lady called wondering where I had vanished to. She strolled into the store, looked around, bought more baby clothes and we headed to the crazy-long, snaking line at the checkout.

Then I mentioned how they were even selling the hangers. Entire boxes for $20. Wood hangers. She asked "Where?" and I pointed.

All said and done we left with four bags full of stuff and paid $21. Something tells me that a cash registed inaccuracy played to our favor and that soon-to-be-unemployed retail jockey guy didn't care too much.

So, next time you mourn the loss of a store, think about people like me who come away as winners.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Meet my relpacement

It seems that my position at the office has been, how you say, repurposed. I've been replaced by a more youthful fresh thinker. She's a go-getter and far more fashionable than myself. Well, just see for yourself.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Looking back

How was your Christmas? Mine was just dandy. Was it just me or did there seem to be a lot less stuff this year? Don't take that as complaining because less stuff means that maybe, just maybe, people finally woke up to reality. Maybe people realized that Christmas is more about being together with family. No matter how much you all bicker and fight, they are your family and unlike some no-name Chinese-made video game system, they won't end up in the trash or in a box in the garage in 8 months.

What was the best treat that you had at Christmas dinner? Oh, mine, you ask? My favorite was the Oreo cheesecake dessert. I love me some cheesecake and as far as pre-packaged cheesecake in a box desserts, the Oreo one it tops with me.

On and the best gift I got, that would have to be a tie between my new cordless drill and the new office chair for my home office. Both items were much-needed and will be put to good use meaning that neither will end up in a box in the garage any time soon. What about you? DId you get one of theose "Damn, I needed that" gifts? Let me know at your convenience and enjoy the long, lazy week ahead of us.

If looking back is your thing, check out MinnPics for the best photos taken in Minnesota in the past year. Check back often as more are added!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

In lieu of more Christmas, here's a funny

It's about parenting. More specifically, it's about rather lax parenting that includes reverse racism, sexual humor and an abortion joke. All of that packed in to less than five minutes and it stars the girl from the sexually suggestive Arby's commercial with the Arby's erection hat.

Enjoy and have a Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Is McDonald's catering to the stupids?

Here is a fairly decent analysis of McDonald's McCafe commercials. You know them, the guys discussing how they are only wearing glasses to be smart and the one still airing with women admitting that they like watching reality TV and one not knowing where the fuck Paraguay is (hint: it's next to Uruguay).

Watch them. I'll wait.





Done? Good.

Alright.

To the casual observer, they seem fairly straight-forward. Drink our fancy coffee because we cater to the everyday American with our everyday prices. Then watch them, particularly the one with the women, and it does start to become overtly offensive. And not just to women.

Apparently, McDonald's wants to further the stereotype that being smart is a bad thing and that being dumb as a fencepost is very American. On the other hand, being smart doesn't mean that you have to listen to jazz and give up wearing heels. Fuck you McDonald's, your food makes my clothes stink and makes my car smell like a garbage can. Factor in that I don't even like coffee and that you have made America a bunch of sloppy fatties and you single-handedly belong inside every damn Wal-Mart store in this crumbling country.

Merry Christmas and enjoy your McDonald's gift cards!

What to do about bad Christmas gifts

It's a fact that comes with Christmas. Every year you'll get some God-awful gift that makes you cringe. You could chalk it up to the gift-giver not doing any reasearch what so ever about the intended gift recipient or you could chalk it up to the gift giver simply not caring whether or not their gift is appreciated. The one thing that the gift giver should remember is that it is their hard-earned money (more often than not) that they are pissing away by giving a terrible gift. Something unnecessary or kitschy is rarely appreciated. If you plan on going that route, save everyone a lot of anguish and just wrap up some crap you have in the back of your closet. At least that way you aren't wasting your own dollars on something that nobody wants.

Now let's say that you've gotten something truly ghastly on Christmas morning. What the hell do you do with that abomination? Should you immediately set it on fire and throw it back in the gift giver's face? Should you bottle your anger up inside and wait until after Christmas dinner to take the gift outside, urinate on it and bury it in the snow bank on the boulevard, hoping that when the snow melts that it takes this shitty gift down the storm sewer, never to be seen again?

No way. This is Minnesota and in the spirit of the bullshit that is Minnesota nice (a.k.a. avoiding conflict and confrontation and the truth at all costs) you're going to thank the gift giver for their crappy gift. You'll smile from ear to ear, thank them for it and kindly pose for a photo with it. That's the Minnesota way. And after Christmas, you'll take this shit-storm of a gift to the nearest thrift store, Goodwill or Salvation Army and give it a home. A home where it should have been all along because as nice as it is to receive something, it's even better to give something. Except a cold, so cover your damn cough.

Feel free, too, to visit MinnPics because great photography is bettter than any gift (except for cash). Check it out for something great and new every day!

Friday, December 19, 2008

My Christmas list

Every year I grab a scrap of paper and jot down things, as they pop into my head, that would be of great use to me in the upcoming year. I call it my Christmas wish list and I usually divide it up between my parents and my old lady. This year was easier as I gave the whole shebang to my parents but that's a story for another day.

This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.

Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!

Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.

Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.

Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Sex in good times vs. bad

Sex is a constant in society. If it weren't for sex, none of us would exist today. Entire industries hinge on people having sex. It keeps the birthing wings of hospitals in business as well as the condom industry and pharmaceutical companies (birth control, penicilin for those pesky STDs) because plenty of people love the sex but not so much with the consequences.

My question is whether sex occurs more during bad economic times than good economic times.

Think for a moment how busy you are with your job. Remember a couple years ago having to work overtime just to keep your head above water at your office? Think back to last week. Did you even need eight hours each day to finish all your work-related tasks?

Sure, the economy sucks and you have far less money to get out of the house and go to a fancy restaurant like Arby's but what are you going to do to pass all that time you are spending at home like a damned hermit? You could seduce your significant other and get your sex on, of course. It sure beats watching repeats of The Real Housewives of Atlanta/Orange County/New York City/Little Rock/Des Moines and it is a hell of a lot more fun than just sitting on the couch... again.

So, are you or are you not finding yourself taking to cheaper options of entertainment such as sex during this, um, economic hiccup?

Sorry, sex-starved perverts, MinnPics is full of great photos but it's a family place so any photographs sexual in nature are strangely absent.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Things that will wake you up

Have you ever been woken up in the middle of the night by something out of the ordinary? I'm not talking about seemingly normal things like a knock at the door or a phone call, I talking weird stuff.

A few weeks ago, a sound similar to a cannon shot heard from the hill behind our house woke me up late on a Saturday night. I wrote it off as a moonlight Civil War reenactment.

Last night at just before 12:09 AM I was awakened by a screeching baby monitor. This was due to the electricity at our house going out. I wrote this off on a combination of wind, ice and some jackass driver thinking that four wheel drive means shit on ice-covered highways.

Then there was the creepy chime noise always heard late at night on the weekends when we were home and awake. Later on it was noticed that the chime noise happened at Midnight. Even later it was found out to be the alarm on my iPod. I've never set the alarm but maybe it was trying to tell me something.

Again last night, after the electricity vanished from our rather cold house (it was -10 degrees or colder outside) I was kept awake by the snowplow clearing the neighborhood streets. I have much appreciation for clean streets but starting the job at Midnight is a little too gung-ho.

What odd sounds/events have made you sit up in bed and wonder "what in the hell was that?"

And just because half of Minnesota is taking a snow/cold day, that doesn't mean that MinnPics is taking the day off. Check out the best photography in the Northstar state right now or I'll have my neighbor move his canon to your back yard for a special wake-up call.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Merry Baldwin Christmas confirmed!

It's real and it's going to be fabulous!

A Merry Baldwin Christmas is confirmed and the on-screen graphics still sent to me by one of my contacts says it all...


This fucker is gonna be cheap. What, we couldn't even assemble the Baldwin brothers together in matching Christmas sweaters? Sweet tap-dancing Christ, it would be better with only half of the Baldwin brothers and if a fight breaks out, then NBC has a winner on their hands. However, it's gonna be live too so keep your fingers crossed for that fight. Check it out next Thursday (December 18) on NBC at 9/8c.

As far as NBC keeping this bastard of a special such a secret, maybe they know it's going to suck or maybe they are planning some sort of huge blitz over the upcoming week to promote it. (What do I care, I got the damn exclusive here!) Whatever the case, tune in and find out.

And if still photography is your thing, tune in to MinnPics for captivating photography throughout Minnesota.

Disney on menstruation

Don't worry, it doesn't show Minnie Mouse on the rag but wouldn't it be funnier if it did?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The rumors are true

You've practically begged for it, now it's just around the corner...

A Merry Baldwin Christmas
Starring the Baldwin Brothers - Alec, William, Stephen & Daniel

More details coming soon!

Check back frequently because my media insider is telling me that the promotional materials are coming any time (this guy is risking a lot handing this stuff over to me) and while this is being quietly kept under wraps by the network (I can't say which one), it will be the kind of Christmas spectacular that's definitely a "can't miss"!
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