Some people think that using Facebook is as easy as sharing whatever you feel like sharing but if you want to make an impact in the world of Facebook, pay attention to these five essential tips for Facebook users.
1.) Don't share everything. You'd think that Facebook users would understand that sharing everything is stupid but have a filter, people. It should be common sense to not share everything on Facebook but the world is full of stupid adults and teenagers and people fail to realize that all of those Facebook posts amount to a sort of digital diary that, if not properly "locked down", is publicly viewable and could build an inaccurate persona for potential employers if you are, in fact, employable. I don't care that you woke up in a stranger's bed last weekend. I don't want to know that you have a mysterious rash downstairs. Keep that crap to yourselves.
2.) Stop professing your love. Hey, I get it, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/boss/significant other/cousin but you are turning the stomachs of the majority of your friends. Again, stop sharing everything. I don't care that you call your significant other your "smoochie pookie" or some other obnoxious nickname that makes me want to vomit in my shoes.
3.) Enough with the sharing of stupid photos. You know the type I'm talking about. The photos that used to arrive in your email inbox below a string of fifty or so forwards eagerly sent by your 68 year-old aunt from Tempe. Yes, Facebook may have made communication much faster and more seamless but in doing so it has replaced email to a certain extent and brought with all the annoying crap that no longer arrives in my email inbox. There is, of course, the sharing and re-sharing of stupid fucking photos and jpegs with quippy phrases that the sharer thinks are so damn funny but are really annoying, factually inaccurate, annoying or out and out racist. If you want to look stupid, continue sharing those photos someone jacked from thechive.com or the cheezburger network. That crap may be funny to you but it makes you look like an uneducated hillbilly to others.
4.) Stop tagging everyone in your photos. Again I get that Facebook is all about everyone being connected but if you snapped a photo of your bestie doing a kegstand don't tag your bestie in it. Your bestie may have a job where such activity may be frowned upon. How would you feel if being tagged in one of your friend's photos resulted in being called into your employer's human resources office? Just think twice, dummies.
5.) Enough with the games. Everyone loves to play games but stop posting your activity and scores. I hate unsubscribing to that garbage because I have actual important uses for Facebook but all of that time I spend unsubscribing from your damn game updates pisses away plenty of time in my day.
What do you think? Are there additional tips you'd care to share? Drop a note in the comments.
Bonus Tip.) Watch your spelling. If you don't know how to spell something consult dictionary.com. If you're too lazy for that try using Firefox as your browser. It has a live spellcheck feature so you won't come off as a 9th grade dropout on your Facebook status updates.
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
3 things to remember when you get older
Every day we probably all think of things that we should remember down the road a stretch. But how many of us actually remember those bits of information for a later date? In lieu of taking actual notes, I though I'd put those wise bits of information right here for all to see.
You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.
Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.
It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.
You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.
Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.
It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Keys to being a Minnesotan
Immigrants to Minnesota say that it's hard to adapt, that us native Minnesotans are closed off and cliquish. While that may be true, in my 31-plus years as a native Minnesotan I've noticed certain things that will make you stick out like a sore thumb so below are some tips on how to fit in to the Minnesota culture.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Four things to never talk about at work
We've all been part of that uncomfortable conversation at the office where someone is sharing waaaay too much about themselves. Maybe you've unknowingly been the one to overshare or maybe you've overheard one too many phone conversations mentioning things that, in your better judgment, would be taken care of in a more private setting.
1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.
2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.
3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.
4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.
Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?
1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.
2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.
3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.
4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.
Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Distracted driving: dangerous or not?
There is an epidemic in this country. People do alot of stupid crap while driving. This list is dangerous things to eat while driving.
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili dogs
Hamburgers
Ribs and wings
Fried chicken
Jelly donuts
Soda
Chocolate
Out of that list, I've taken part in consuming tacos, hamburgers, fried chicken, jelly donuts, soda and chocolate while driving. I'm preplexed about why anyone would ever eat ribs and wings while driving. Coffee is fairly common but chili dogs are straight up messy and pose the risk of spilling the chili or dog in your lap. And eating some hot soup could be tragic if it was in a bowl but less tragic if it were in a cup.
Outside of eating/drinking while driving, there are other activities that I've done while driving that I probably shouldn't have done that could have caused some serious bodily harm to myself or others.
Changing my shirt on the freeway
Taking off jeans and putting on shorts
Changing my shoes
Endorsing checks
Getting to know a lady better (draw your own conclusion)
Undressing a passenger
Munching down some Arby's chicken fingers complete with BBQ sauce
Cleaning the inside of my windshield
Tucking in my shirt
I'm sure there are others but I'm curious what you worst moments were while driving. Have you ever started knitting a sweater or trimmed up your private bits?
MinnPics is a great habit. Althought I wouldn't check it out on your iPhone while driving.
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili dogs
Hamburgers
Ribs and wings
Fried chicken
Jelly donuts
Soda
Chocolate
Out of that list, I've taken part in consuming tacos, hamburgers, fried chicken, jelly donuts, soda and chocolate while driving. I'm preplexed about why anyone would ever eat ribs and wings while driving. Coffee is fairly common but chili dogs are straight up messy and pose the risk of spilling the chili or dog in your lap. And eating some hot soup could be tragic if it was in a bowl but less tragic if it were in a cup.
Outside of eating/drinking while driving, there are other activities that I've done while driving that I probably shouldn't have done that could have caused some serious bodily harm to myself or others.
Changing my shirt on the freeway
Taking off jeans and putting on shorts
Changing my shoes
Endorsing checks
Getting to know a lady better (draw your own conclusion)
Undressing a passenger
Munching down some Arby's chicken fingers complete with BBQ sauce
Cleaning the inside of my windshield
Tucking in my shirt
I'm sure there are others but I'm curious what you worst moments were while driving. Have you ever started knitting a sweater or trimmed up your private bits?
MinnPics is a great habit. Althought I wouldn't check it out on your iPhone while driving.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Phrases to live by
It's probably not odd but for me, most of my best ideas are hatched in the bathroom or after midnight. Here are a few - try to figure out their birth place.
If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.
If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
You look like a horse.
To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.
The customer is always right except when they're wrong.
The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.
If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.
Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.
Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!
If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.
If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
You look like a horse.
To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.
The customer is always right except when they're wrong.
The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.
If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.
Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.
Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Things my imaginary intern can do for me
If only I had an intern. I would treat him or her exactly how I am treated. The following exchange features my simple request first with my reactions following.
Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.
Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.
Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.
Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.
All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.
MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.
Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.
Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.
Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.
Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.
All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.
MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Things you can't walk off
Walk it off. We've all heard this overly cliched phrase before and it usually relates to someone pissing and/or moaning about an injury that is minimal at best with "walk it off" being the ultimate solution to this person's bellyaching. However, there are some things you just can't get over by walking.
What are these things, though?
A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.
A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.
A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.
The long-suffering, middle child of mine needs your attention. MinnPics wants you to visit it and look at its gallery of hand-picked photos from across Minnesota as captured by Minnesota's best Flickrites.
What are these things, though?
A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.
A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.
A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.
The long-suffering, middle child of mine needs your attention. MinnPics wants you to visit it and look at its gallery of hand-picked photos from across Minnesota as captured by Minnesota's best Flickrites.
Friday, December 19, 2008
My Christmas list
Every year I grab a scrap of paper and jot down things, as they pop into my head, that would be of great use to me in the upcoming year. I call it my Christmas wish list and I usually divide it up between my parents and my old lady. This year was easier as I gave the whole shebang to my parents but that's a story for another day.
This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.
Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!
Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.
Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.
Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.
This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.
Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!
Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.
Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.
Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.
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