Toothy raccoon bit off manhood

This headline is precisely why I like British newspapers. They hold nothing back but also leave you wanting to read the story and find out the reason behind a raccoon chomping off some British dude's penis.

They went as far as identifying the man as a "pervert who was trying to rape the animal". It's no surprise that the guy was drunk, though. It is susprising that he didn't hail from Coon Rapids or Wisconsin because around these parts, that's where people get randy with wildlife.

What truly is surprising is that plastic surgeons are working to repair the damage. Why, though, would they fix this guy's penis? He's just going to try and sex up a raccoon again.

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Things you can't walk off

Walk it off. We've all heard this overly cliched phrase before and it usually relates to someone pissing and/or moaning about an injury that is minimal at best with "walk it off" being the ultimate solution to this person's bellyaching. However, there are some things you just can't get over by walking.

What are these things, though?

A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.

A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.

A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.

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