The tale of the $1.56 jeans

We all know that times are tough. It's especially evident when in the course of one day I lose the match portion of my 401(k) and Chrysler plans to file for bankruptcy. But even during tough economic times, it's still not socially acceptable to stroll about without pants.

That is why, as I rushed through Target yesterday to get a package of diapers which will soon be full of pee and poop, I stopped to scope out what sort of trendy threads were on clearance in the store's men's department.

It's a little know fact that I can never have enough denim. I wear jeans at least five days a week. It's a perk of my job that I haven't yet had to sell my soul and sport dress pants and I like at least that part. Comfortable and stylish jeans are hard to come by. Levi's, in general, suck in both departments. Even though they are manufactured in China, they are still tops in quality. The best part about Target is that they sell a made-just-for-them label of Levi's that are actually more stylish than standard off-the-rack Levi's at JC Penney or Kohl's stores.

I rummaged through a small pile of denim which was a mix of Mossimo, Merona and Levi's jeans and grabbed three pairs - one of each brand - all in my size.

The first one, Merona, were too loose.

The second pair, Mossimo, were too tight.

The third pair, Levi's, were just right.

(and if you're wondering my size, it's 33/34x34 - no, I'm not square)

I don't have to elaborate any more on this painfully boring story to tell you that the Levi's were 75% off the 75% off price bringing them down to the price of a 20 oz. bottle of soda - $1.56. When the hell was the last time you paid under two bucks for an actual brand name item of clothing?

Why go to a museum when you can see photos of the same quality at MinnPics? Go. Now. Or a kitten will die.

Is "swine" flu in Minnesota?

First off, the swine flu name is misleading and secondly it is apparently in Minnesota. According to a rather vague article in the Star-Tribune, a teen at a Cold Spring, Minnesota middle school is sick with something at least resembling the "swine" flu. It, the, can onle be a matter of time before genius governor Tim Pawlenty circles the city of Cold Spring with the few remaining National Guardsmen who aren't in Afghanistan or Iraq. Well, at least they could circle a city block or two.

More important is what a coincidence it is that this outbreak has happened under the watch of a Democratic president. According to everyone's favorite source of just short of accurate information, Michele Bachmann, Barack Obama - like 70s predecessor Jimmy Carter, is responsible for this outbreak.



Hey, what this batshit-crazy woman says is the damn gospel so it must be true. But wait, that flu outbreak in the 70s actually happened while Gerald Ford was president so maybe Bachmann is wrong. Maybe...

Stay happy and visit MinnPics because photos have an amazing immune system.

The pigs are coming to kill us

Apparently now we have one more thing to worry about. The swine flu. I'm not totally clear on this latest epidemic backed my a ton of media hype but here are the basics.

1.) If you have swine (pigs) sharing space with you in your living quarters, please move them to your basement or garage. Swine make excellent dwelling companions but spooning with them while sleeping is not recommended.

2.) Consumption of pork is fine as long as it is cooked at least to medium-rare. A warm, pink center (and what guy doesn't want that?) is the preferred level of doneness for all of your pork consumption needs.

3.) Fornication with swine should cease immediately. You'll be clear to resume your pig-fucking activities within mere weeks. Until that time, may I suggest a subscription to Naked Piggy Monthly.

4.) Blame China. China is the source of every scourge to land on our shores in the past decade or more. Think of it. Those damn Asian beetles? From China. The Emerald Ash Borer? From China. Lead-tainted toys? From China. The Daewoo brand of both cars and electronics? Pretty sure from China.

The best course of action is to ball yourself up in the fetal position and pray for mercy from our swine overlords. Or just check out MinnPics and drool over the purty photos.

Are you naked or nekkid?

Quote of the day from @TeddRoman

If you're NAKED it means you have no clothes on. If you're NEKKID it means you
have no clothes on and you're stirrin' up trouble!

Thoughts?

And being you're obviously in a clickin' mood, check out the phabulous photos at MinnPics.

The "best of" that nobody notices

Maybe that headline is a bit harsh but each year it seems that Minneapolis alt-weekly City Pages pounds yet another nail in its coffin of credibility by releasing its yearly Best of the Twin Cities list.

In fact, I had forgotten about it until WCCO reporter Jason DeRusha's tweet showed up stating that he had once again been shunned.

Regardless of its rather dated nature, I usually peruse it - particularly the media section and at least this year they got a couple things correct.

I expect a ton of gloating Wednesday from KFAN host Dan Cole after he pulled down the award for Best Sports Radio Host. He makes the mundane culture of Minnesota sports tolerable with his relentless mocking of both the teams and fans who throw their full support behind the sub-par franchises who call Minnesota home. His show is weird, sometimes painful but always entertaining because of his relative disdain for sports but he is also vastly knowledgeable about the topics he mocks. He does a good schtick.

I'm sure, though, that City Pages could have named someone better for Best TV Newscaster than FOX 9's Alix Kendall. The cute little dog and pony show they put on for four hours each weeday morning reminds me of a bad version of "Wake Up San Francisco" from Full House and with the channel letting Tim Sherno walk away a few years back, they are dead to me. Factor in that I remember Alix Kendall reportin on the commodity markets (pork bellies, lambs, ewes, etc.) back in the day for KAAL-TV in Austin, MN and my disdain for the petite anchor only grows.

At least City Pages has the balls to name crazy congresswoman Michele Bachmann as the best villain. Maybe villain should be reserved for people better than her. What's worse than a villain?

The stupidity of beauty pageants

Is she really as stupid as she seemed? Does Miss California give beauty pageants (yes, Miss USA is a beauty, not scholarship, pageant) a bad name. Does she give the USA a bad name as she could have been the U.S. representative in the pageant nobody watches - the Miss Universe pageant.

It's for reasons like this that I hate pageants. These women/girls/brain-dead bimbos lack basic conversational skills that will eventually lead them down a road to acting in b-movies or cheap porn. And on that note, who the hell buys porn any more? Isn't that why the internet was invented? Communicating and sharing knowledge was just sort of an accident.

Oh well, at least the whole topic of gay marriage has given Perez Hilton a second fifteen minutes of undeserved fame.

How did you spend your weekend?

A couple tons of mulch. That's what my weekend boils down to in the simplest of terms.

It had been over two years since I sparsely mulched our yard's landscaping with brown wood mulch and frankly it was beginning to look like shit. I don't like my yard looking like shit and my old lady definitely doesn't like our yard looking like shit.

It's one of those never-ending battles. We have to set aside entire weekends to clean up what, on the outside, appears to be tiny messes but upon further inspection turn out to be epic disasters. Yesterday, which was a perfectly dreary and cool day, seemed well fit for that indoor maintenance. So we tore apart the contents of the office closet. We shredded half a decade's worth of old bank statements. We made room for the still-boxed high chair for The Youngling and filled our garbage cart.

I cleaned up the mouse poo remnants of our early-spring rodent infestation (11 caught) and furter sealed tiny holes which seemed to be the source of the little bastards. And The Youngling cooperated. She slept when she needed to and was awake when she wanted to be.

Sure, I hate cleaning up messes as much as anybody else but I have to admit that having just a couple areas of our ramshackle villa tidied up feels like a huge accomplishment.

So, what did you do with your weekend?

If you're looking for more fun, check out the photos at MinnPics and see what you've been missing since its launch.

Waiting is the hardest part

Waiting four years is too damn long. That's just how long it's been for fans, like me, waiting for San Francisco punk rocker outfit Green Day's newest album. With a handful of shows playing the new disc's tracks under their belt from earlier this week, they should be in tip-top shape by the time the new disc is officially released May 15.

Having heard just one track courtesy of their MySpace page I have to say that 21st Century Breakdown has as much potential as American Idiot did the last time around.

Then there's the matter of the cover artwork. Wow. It seems to convey that typical combo-platter of youthful feelings such as angst, hopelessness, rage and even romance.


If the rest of the 15 or so tracks are as stunning to the ears as the cover artwork is to the eyes, this will be another jewel in the crown of Green Day's two decade-long career.

The disgusting Domino's video

Every few months, we are reminded about the hazards of eating fast food. Like any restaurant, you don't get to see its preparation so one can only imagine what ends up in your favorite sandwich or where that sandwich may end up in the course of its preparation.

Then there's the matter of the degenerates preparing the food. Let's jsut say that there's a certain rung of society that is employed in fast food and it's a wonder that they can put their clothes on, much less prepare your food.

But as the mantra goes, you get what you pay for.



Now maybe you'll think twice about the Domino's promo featuring their hot and fresh toasted subs. Hey, at least at real sub shops (Subway, Quizno's, Panera) you can see what the employees are doing while preparing your sandwich.



At least the president of Domino's Pizza apologized and is taking steps against this happening again but who is he kidding? With any employee, you tend to get what you pay for and while these degenerates may have a hard time finding work after being fired from Domino's Pizza but 31-year-old Kristy Lynn Hammonds of Taylorsville and 32-year-old Michael Anthony Setzer of Conover, North Carolina will be right back at it after serving a few days in jail and paying a small fine because we all have pea-sized memories.

Check out MinnPics because the only food featured there is in photograph form and is tasty as hell because that's how we roll here in Minnesota.

Quote of the day

Yesterday my old lady returned home from work with a great story to share. She shared the world's most perfect quote with me that she had overheard earlier in the day...

There was a car of hoes. I mean fine-ass bitches.

5,000 points go to the person who can correctly nail down some details about the two persons who were discussing the topic of the day.

And while you're at it, check out MinnPics. Great photos tell great stories and Minnesota is full of them!

Bedbugs are a real bitch in the 'burbs

After reading a post on MPR's News Cut, I might rethink the phrase "Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite."

Bedbugs are such a tremendous problem that the EPA is holding a summit on the tiny, blood-sucking critters in Washington, DC. Hopefully we know to be wary of the cleanliness of certain motels. I tend to stay far away from the roadside variety that look like a great place to hook up with your latest Craigslist casual encounter or to dice up an enemy but even the cleanest appearing suites are sometimes infested.

Check out The Bedbug Registry and poke around some. Here's some excerpts from places in the Twin Cities reported to have bedbugs...

620 Gorman St
Shakopee, MN 55379-2609
I noticed a really ugly rash appearing on me sometime in August 2008... We also kept noticing blood and black/brown little stains on the sheet too... they are bad in third world countries which makes sense for the Hunter's Ridge Apts where we live... furniture in the garbage frequently too - of which other residents scavenge and bring back inside...

Holiday Inn Express Minneapolis Dwtn (Conv Ctr)
225 S 11th Ave, #55403
Minneapolis, MN 55415-1218
I observed a bug in my bed... had my home exterminated twice, purchased the mattress covers and am still living out of plastic bags... live in central South Dakota, so you see, even 5 or 600 miles away, word travels fast.

2525 Harriet Ave
Minneapolis, MN 55405-3456
...then he found the bugs... very gross and freaked me out... the property is owned by persaud properties and they refused to do any work to fix the problem, a real slum lord.

So that led me to ponder what the most disgusting thing is that you have ever found in an apartment or hotel room? My worst was a whole shit-ton of moth balls in the bottom of a closet. The smell never left. Thankfully I've never had bug infestations outside of two mice in a suburban Minneapolis apartment.

If creepy-crawlies are not your thing, scope out MinnPics where there's plenty of majestic wildlife, cool events and colorful places captured in amazing photographs around Minnesota.

Honest questions about pirates

What the fuck is the deal with the insane resurgence of pirates? The only problem is that these guys aren't "cool" pirates. The Somali pirates are douchier versions of the cool pirates I am secretly fascinated with. Somalis pirates probably don't scream snappy catch-phrases like "arrrrr" or "avast ye mateys". Real pirates have snappy but raggedy clothes, planks for walking and swords. Hell, some even have parrots and real pirates know how to swing on ropes in a fashionable manner.



These Somali priates have fucking gasoline powered, beaten down fishing boats like we'd see in our very own Minnesota lakes. Real pirates (in my mind) have wooded ships with towering sails. Sure, it all sounds a bit like Pirates of the Caribbean but dammit, the pirates of 2009 are straight up dicks and really have no business even being referred to as pirates. Ship hijackers maybe, but definitely not pirates.

The Somali ship hijackers are the absolute bottom rung of society. I am sure there are millions of decent Somalis and I know for a fact that tens of thousands of Somalis live right here in Minnesota and work hard to make their lives here in the U.S.A. The ship hijackers off the Somali coast deserve a slow and painful death and if their country is in such poor financial shape they need to find a legitimate way to dig themselves out of the quagmire they are in. Robbing others puts these Somalis on par with the CEOs of the enormous failing banks within our borders. I like to think that the Somalis are at least a bit above those who sunk our own country's financial fortunes.

Pirates are strangely absent from MinnPics but that doesn't mean that the photos aren't excellent.

25 random things

Because I'm almost always late to the party and hate web memes, I thought that there wouldn't be a better time than a few months after the fury surrounding the "25 Random Things" which dominated Facebook and blogs had totally died down.

Here are my 25 random things. Mock at will.

1. I've had gray hair since I was 19.

2. One of my weirdest dreams was me being chased by a Hardee's Roast Beef sandwich.

3. I get angry when around shoppers at Wal-Mart.

4. My daughter's middle name is from my grandma.

5. My caffeine addiction is bad but is limited to one can of Coke per day.

6. I've never worked in retail and hope I never have to, I'd scare customers away.

7. I read alot, just not in the way of books.

8. The amount of music I have is scary, 500+ CDs and almost 15,000 individual tracks in my iTunes library.

9. My goal for 2009 is to paint the house.

10. I use humor to lighten tense moments.

11. I'm a huge multitasker.

12. I'm terrible with names. I forget people's names almost instantly.

13. My memory is terrible.

14. Tacos are where it's at. Factor in BBQ and Pizza and it's the perfect diet.

15. I suck at staying in touch with friends.

16. Shoveling the driveway is like a mini-vacation sometimes.

17. I consider myself very open-minded but am guilty of stereotyping some people.

18. I live my life with Post-It notes.

19. I have never drank coffee.

20. I want to live in the country but closer to the cities.

21. People who don't use their turn signals should be put in jail.

22. On my desk there are about 2,000 pages of software tutorials which I have completed in the past year.

23. There are four computer mice on my desk at work.

24. I secretly like winning awards. It validates my work.

25. Believe it or not, I'd rather listen than speak.

And photos are better than words which explains MinnPics.

Interesting website idea #89 - all about poo

Now that I'm done with heavy topics for the day, I can get back to what's important. Poop. More specifically - websites about poop. In this era of social networking and sharing (or oversharing) everyone has a scheme in mind. Twitter, Facebook, MySpace... each has its purpose. Then there's Flickr - it does its task - sharing photos - quite well. But Twitter and Flickr are broad websites. The future is all about niche publishing/sharing.

That's why I present you with shitter.

What the world needed was a quick-share website about all things bathroom. I can see the flood of posts now.

"Just dropped off a 14 incher. It hurt. Alot."

"Flooded the crapper in stall two, penguin walked to stall three to finish"

"Caught up on magazine reading, paint began peeling."

It's the next logical step in the sharing of every moment of our lives for all the world to read. Give shitter a home and some funding to get it off the ground. It's a surefire goldmine.

While things take a decided lowbrow turn in these parts, MinnPics continues its never-ending quest for quality photos taken in Minnesota. Check it out today.

The Associated Press ignorant of technology

If you don't want to pay attention to this story, don't. However, the Associated Press - the overlords of all things daily newspaper content - have slit their throats just a bit further.

Earlier this week, the Associated Press sent a cease and desist order to a Tennessee radio station, an Associated Press member, for embedding AP videos on their website. (Even worse, the AP didn't even know they had a YouTube channel)

The radio station's argument is very clear and they are in the right. If the AP is so stuck in the stone-age that they don't want their videos spread across the web and can't figure out how to disable the embed code on YouTube, maybe this archaic organization has met its endpoint.

El bano

4/6/09
If you drop one off in the men’s room that smells like a digested but full ash tray, have the damn decency to spray the air freshener sitting on the vanity.

2/26/09
The men’s restroom at my office smells like hard-boiled eggs - and not in a good way.

9/30/08
Our restroom at work smells like a long-haul trucker whose diet has consisted of nothing but uncooked canned chili just shit for the first time since Labor Day and did so in the floor drain. Please, use some air freshener next time. It’s right there on the counter.

These are the archived Random Thoughts I've shared on my other blog (to your right) in the past few months pertaining to the restroom at my office. The reason leads us to the upcoming unveiling of yet another interesting website idea. Stew on that for a while.

The man is slowing your internet connection

This story opened my eyes. How many of you are reading this blog via a cable internet connection? Wow, that's alot of hands, you can put them down now.

The few big players who control cable television access (Comcast, Time Warner, Charter & Mediacom) sort of have the market cornered on internet access.

Now how many of you have read the fine print on your cable internet access contract? Yeah, not very many hands.

Did you know about the bandwidth caps Comcast and Time Warner have imposed? No? Well Comcast says they can essentially shut off your access if you go above the 250GB data cap. While that sounds like alot, it really isn't if you upload tons of photos and videos and stream TV shows from Hulu or purchase from iTunes. There are probably months when I get close to that magical cap myself because I stream or download TV shows I've missed and sometimes uploads gobs of photos to be printed or share those same photos on Facebook or Flickr.

How about people with a home office? My field handles especially large files. At my work office I routinely find myself downloading a hundred megabytes of files in a single day and if I ever took my freelance work seriously I'd likely dabble in somewhere close to that same amount of data per day with uploading and downloading files from FTP sites and so on.

The problem is that a handful of companies are trying to strangle the amount of data which a single household can upload/download all in the name of protecting the ass-rapingly large fees they charge for cable television. A few years ago their argument would have seemed ludicrous but with the advent of Hulu and the Apple TV box you no longer have to sit in front of your computer to watch that streaming television. It's now magically on your TV for those who care to invest a few hours and a couple hundred bucks. I've considered going that route myself.

The problem with the cable TV giants' argument is that relatively few people (currently) are crafty (or patient) enough to go the 100% streaming route and by capping data quantities the cable giants are stifling communication and business. They need to realize that they provide a lifeline and raping those who pay for it isn't good business. Telephone companies don't dictate how long I can talk on my landline with local calls so why should cable companies say how much use I can get out of my internet connection?

Don't worry about this tech-heavy post, the low-brow crap returns tomorrow and check out MinnPics because photos love to be looked at.

The one where I go to jail

I was in jail Saturday. Well, more specifically, I was at the jail on Saturday. Being my first time inside the walls of the old stoney lonesome was an eye-opening experience. First off, it was nothing like those scenes I remember from old Arrested Development episodes where Michael Bluth visited his eccentric father in the slammer.

The first shock was that visits are limited to twenty minutes and it all takes place via video conference. There is no face to face contact through a thick glass window. There is zero contact with the outside world. Maybe those restrictions loosen up some in honest-to-God prison but in jail you are in the cement block building and you'll enjoy it. Or not.

The security is about as restrictive as I expected it to be. You check in using your driver's license and the clerks behind the thick glass window in the office hold your license until you are finished with your visit. The amount of electronic gadgetry is impressive. Of course it's not all that surprising being our tax dollars funded this newish chambe of justice, the Scott Count Justice Center (jail). Funds can be deposited to the spending accounts of jailbirds via an ATM-like device and the chairs in the lobby area were both new and uncomfortable. The tile floor was a cold gray color and already viciously scratched and like everything the government does, the proceedings moved slowly. Things moved so slowly that after arriving at 10:30 AM and filling out a visit request form and presenting our IDs we barely had enough time to fit in the maximum twenty minute visit before the lock the joint up again at 11:30 AM. Yes, that's the speed of government.

MinnPics is free of jail tales but with upcoming fake-cation days and the impending arrival of spring, color will blossom and cheer will take over as vibrant photos flow freely.

My thoughts on Hell's Kitchen

Why do people seek the approval of the angriest, meanest, strictest, lowest lifeforms? That's the question I kept asking myself as I accidentally watched Hell's Kitchen on FOX. These supposedly skilled chefs feel the need to further themselves via a rather staged contest as they struggle with their obvious daddy issues and seek endless approval from Chef Gordon Ramsay who has serious rage issues and whose antics and attitude I seriously doubt would be tolerated in any workplace.

If the chefs in this competition really wish to further their careers, a better solution would be to hone your skills and advance yourself based on your work, not by seeking the approval of one very bitter man. Sadly, the semi-staged contest is a staple of "reality" television and "reality" television is becoming the norm on television these days as the once-mighty networks semeingly trade places with cable outlets and become the home of lowest common denominator.

All in all, Hell's Kitchen is, at best, background noise and I truly fail to see any hint of drama in this series and I don't see how it has lasted this long on the airwaves. I guess it's due to the fact that FOX chooses to focus on its juggernaut, American Idol, and doesn't care much about the rest of its schedule.

MinnPics is all about still images and, therefore, is better than most of the dreck on TV. Check out the awesome photos today!

St. Cloud afraid of wind turbines

After battling through rules and regulations for four long years, a St. Cloud, Minnesota property owner finally has approval to build his own wind turbine. It benefits not only his own electric bill but the rest of the electric grid as his turbine would produce just shy of 39.5kw of energy.

However, the opposition he faced would be enough to make an interested person wonder whether or not all the hassle is worth it. The biggest hurdle was people complaining about the 120 foot tall turbine obstructing their view. Their view of what? The story did little to elaborate on that aspect but in rural areas of Minnesota the "view" consists mainly of corn fields and trees. And there are ways of not being obstructed by a white metal pole a couple feet in diameter. For instance, moving to one side of the turbine's pole would return you to a supposedly unobstructed view of whatever it is you are attempting to peer at.

These petty obstructionists are the very reason this country will have one hell of a hard time moving forward. We are stuck in neutral because people are afraid of change. It's why the Digital Television (DTV) transition date was postponed. It's why we burn billions of gallons of oil per year. It's why you need a permit to add a damn light switch. Wake up, dolts, we have millions of gawdy cell phone towers that offer up endless convenience so why choose to bitch about a wind turbine?

MinnPics actually finds photos of wind turbines appealing, check it out today.