Extreme Couponing showcases grocery hoarding

Tonight was the premiere episode of yet another reality/documentary series on cable channel TLC (remember when it used to be "The Learning Channel"?) entitled Extreme Couponing. The premise is as simple as it sounds -- a camera crew follows a couple coupon clipping psychos around as they prefer for one mammoth grocery shopping trip. The preparation -- usually scouring seemingly endless stacks of coupons from Sunday newspapers, itemizing their shopping list complete with quantities of each item and even going as far as one woman's compulsion leading her to have a spreadsheet detailing each and every item her favorite grocery store stocks and where the items are located within the store is showcased.

All of this borderline insane preparation leads to the big trip. The two women I saw showcased tonight ended up filling a minimum of four shopping carts each. The quantities of items purchased were either totally impressive of straight up insane. Dozens of packages of cold cuts, dozens of boxes of cereal and even 60-plus bottles of mustard.

Yeah, 60 bottles of mustard. That one sort of jumped off the screen at me. Unless you are literally eating a bowl of mustard for dessert with a meal once a week -- as a family -- there is no conceivable way that a family of five would use that much mustard in a lifetime. During the 8 or so warm months in Minnesota, I tend to grill 4-5 meals a week which means brats, hamburgers or weiners for approximately a third of those meals. Even with that kind of frequency I have only used two bottles of mustard in the past six years. That's where the hoarding aspect of Extreme Couponing began to become obvious to me.

These women put 6-10 hours into just the planning of their grocery shopping trips. Then there's the time spent actually gathering the massive quantities of each item into their train of grocery carts. But the big sticking point for me, personally, is the fact that the checkout process takes between one and two hours. If I did this at the local Cub Foods I'd probably have my tires slashed because the thousands of people waiting to check out would have one less checkout to go through -- for an hour or two. Once they return home, the hoarding aspect again becomes obvious -- they have entire rooms where they store their hauls. Having 2-plus dozen bottles of laundry detergent stockpiled seems ridiculous. Buying 50 or so cups of yogurt at a time is almost wasteful and to the woman who purchased 26 packages of cold cuts -- donate a few of those to your local food shelf.

I applaud anyone who can manage to save 90-99% on their food costs -- and to me doing that once a year would likely give me a raging hard-on because I hate spending money -- but this goes beyond extreme couponing and extreme savings, it comes down to buying massive quantities to prove something to yourself and even show off to those around you. It makes me a little angry to think that even some of the food they purchase may go to waste but this is America, the land of excess, and if a family of five feels the need to come home with five carts of groceries for six bucks, so be it because getting a rain check for another 20 cups of yogurt is definitely a first world problem.

The myth of low grocery prices

Every big metro area has that one local grocery store chain that claims to be the low price leader. Their weekly newspaper inserts are loaded with coupons which price conscious shoppers feverishly clip out because a coupon is always a good price. Around the Twin Cities our "low price" grocery chain is Cub Foods. They've been around for about 40 years and from what I can tell began as a warehouse-type store where boxes of products were displayed with one side cut off for access when placed on store shelves. It's a logical way to keep prices low.

However, they aren't the low price leader any more. Sure, their image - using the American Typewriter font - would seem to instantly convey low prices but they just aren't consistently cheap any more. Their ads are still littered with coupons but their new low price model seems to be that of raising the regular price and then marking it down for the sale. The buy one, get one free coupon this week for a 20 oz. package of Gold 'n' Plump boneless, skinless chicken breasts comes to mind. They claim savings of a whopping $6.99! That not only seems artificially inflated but downright insanely high for 1.25 lbs. of chicken. I am fairly confident that, if it weren't for that BOGO special, I could pick up two packages for at least a dollar each less at the local Super Target store.

The puzzling fact is that people still shop at the area Cub Foods store in hordes. They did so after a very nice Rainbow Foods Fresh Store opened across the street. Rainbow's prices were equal to or lower than on most products than at the neighboring Cub Foods store. That just goes to show that either Cub Foods has totally nailed their marketing and branding image or that Minnesotans are very loyal to certain brands.

But how, in the face of decades of successful branding and imaging, does a competitor succeed in winning over new customers? Rainbow Foods is really the only legitimate grocery-only competitor to Cub Foods in the Twin Cities. The services they offer are comparable and so are the prices but Rainbow Foods has fallen flat on their face countless times since entering the market. Their image has been all over the map and they have failed to gain footing on a community organization level (Boy Scouts, youth hockey, etc.) like Cub Foods has done so well. Rainbow has bombed, I think, because their radio ads are flat out pointless and needlessly gimmicky. The Cub radio ads feature real people and mention the specials of the week. This is one case where Rainbow would be better for imitating rather than trying to be original and unique. Grocery customers do not give a damn about unique, they want low prices and Cub Foods mentions their seemingly low prices and those numbers, voiced by a female "interviewing" Cub customers, stick with people far more than a male doing the same because women buy the bulk of a family's groceries.

But you don't have to look cheap to grab customers. Target has a simple, even classy image. They are so successful that years ago Dayton changed the corporate name to Target Corp. Which one of those two names is still around? Target has succeeded by offering not only low prices but a customer experience. The prices are comparable to competitors, the brands are recognizable but they stick out because of their customer service and image. They are the classy discount department store and, I'm guessing, are more successful in the grocery field in the Twin Cities than Rainbow Foods is or ever will be. Still, it pays to shop around so do it and find out for yourself which store gets you the best deal and listen to those radio ads - which ones grab your attention?

If you want something more entertaining, may I suggest the photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. Something fresh and engaging to look at every day.

Consumer Corner tip: Target

If you like food (and let's face it, we all need food) and like something that at least appears healthy, check out the deal I found at Target.

Select varieties of Quaker granola bars (chewy, etc.) are on sale for a mere $2.00 per 10 pk. box. If you buy five boxes (and ten bucks for fifty healthy snacks is a relative bargain these days) you get a $5.00 Target gift card at the register for future use.

Thanks to that bargain, I now have 50 tasty Quaker chewy granola bars in my cupboard that I may or may not share with my old lady. And I essentially paid a dime a piece. Not a bad deal. Thanks Target for having sale prices that nearly beat your house brands (the Market Pantry granola bars were $1.84/box).

The deal runs through Saturday, March 21st.

How to I.Q. profile retail employees

This entry, from last summer, ties in nicely with yesterday's Walmart rant. I recommend reading it and elaborating about how you shop...

Forgive me, but I was at the local Wal-Mart late yesterday afternoon. Yes, after years of vowing that I wouldn't become a Wal-Mart shopper, I have done just that because the grocery selection in Shakopee sucks. Ever since losing our Rainbow Foods Fresh Store, the only alternative is Cub which contrary to popular belief isn't actually cheap but only presents itself as such.

So, there I was, after 20 minutes of barreling through aisles crowded with the bottom rung of society I had found my way to the checkouts. Yes, it only took me twenty minutes to shop because I actually know what I need when I go grocery shopping unlike these indecisive types who also failed their class in Shopping Cart Etiquette 101 (hug the shelves with your cart and keep moving, fuckers).

The checkouts at Wal-Mart are an adventure. There is always at least one of the Shakopee store's eight express lanes open but these are reserved for folks with less than twenty items. Never mind the fact that the 15 or so people waiting might have a collective I.Q. of 12 based on their overflowing shopping carts containing hundreds of items each.

Another popular choice is the long lines at the self-checkouts. These are not even an option for me because the people ahead of me in the queue line can never manage to successfully scan and bag two items in succession, much less their entire cart-o-crap and then there's the whole matter of a paycheck. They don't pay me to scan and bag my own crap so it's a no go Wally.

That leaves me with the standard checkouts. I believe that the Shakopee Super Wal-Mart is home to no less than 36 checkouts. At peak times, such as 5:10 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, six of them can be found open. Of course this 1:6 ratio isn't entirely pathetic. It could be a 1:12 ratio. The big problem here is that these shoppers, as inbred as the outwardly appear, know how to fan out. They migrate to the "hard goods" side of the checkouts with their carts full of ice cream and juice boxes and stack up eight people deep.

That leaves me scoping out the situation. This is where my patented "checkout employee I.Q. profiling method" is trotted out.

If said checker is sloppily dressed, I pass. If said checker breathing heavily, wedged precariously in the checker cubicle and can be smelled from a distance of ten-plus yards, I pass. What I truly seek out is that one checker who is a fucking machine. The person who is faster than the electronic beeps coming from their register.

Even entering a longer line here will net you a shorter wait time. If Sally the SUV driving Soccer Mom has four screaming children in tow and a cart full of everything from Golden Delicious Apples to zip-up diapers, you still stand to win.

And win I did. This girl running her checkout with the utmost precision and speed rocketed through my purchases. She dragged things across the scanner with fluid precision and bagged them effortlessly. She conversed with me, asked about my day, mentioned her child and husband and I think she even told me her blood type. This girl was good.

Sadly, this interaction at the checkout stand was the high point of my day to that point. And it was at Wal-Mart to boot. I feel dirty having confessed this experience. I still loathe the local shopping 'scene' but has Wal-Mart stepped up their game?

Speaking of stepping up the game, check out the ever-increasing quality of photos from across Minnesota at MinnPics.

The necessary evil of Walmart

Walmart is the bane of my existence. For many of most youthful days, the faroff destination of Walmart seemed so mystical to the young me. The twenty mile trip to the nearest Walmart was a true family affair. So much stuff under one cramped roof. That original Albert Lea store was so awe-inspiring to me that I actually got excited when Mom said we were heading over to Walmart for some shopping.

Later in life, particularly my late-teen years, Target and their ultra-chic stores were more of a draw to me. Again, this meant a 30-plus mile trip because all my sorry hometown had for discount retailers was K-Mart and Shopko. Walmart started its slide to where it stays today. It became uncool to even utter the name of the store.

Then I moved. Walmart was again a twenty-plus mile drive. Really, Apple Valley is nice and all but its Walmart was definitely not a destination.

But then came a Walmart nearby. It was literally on the way home and its far-flung location meant that it wasn't overly busy and with the store being new, it hadn't yet slipped into the typical state of disrepair that seems to identify Walmart stores. The prices on the few items I allowed myself to buy from there made the stop worthwhile.

But just months after the original store opened, they remodeled and expanded into a full-on Supercenter. With that came groceries at low prices. It also brought crowds of people that seemed to have shopped exclusively there for decades. Nevermind the fact that this Walmart Supercenter was just weeks old. I mean I had never seen people like this at any other store. Ever. They tooled around in their motorized carts. Their saddlebags resting comfortably on the fenders of the moto-carts. And if they weren't motoring through the store buying up large quantities of generic cookies and Sam's choice soda they were laborously pushing a overflowing cart squarely down the center of the aisle at a snail's pace with total disregard for others who actually have other obligations.

But I kept going. My income steadily declining to 2000 levels, Walmart saved me money on my essential groceries. Sure, I left the store with unhealthy blood pressure levels but I had saved a few bucks and kept the family fed.

Then came yesterday. With three items in hand almost runing through the store, I sped towards the 27 checkout lanes - three of which were actually open at 4:45 PM. I did my typical intelligence profiling of the employees and made the wise decision to head for the self-checkouts. Big mistake. As I waited behind three people for ten minutes I repeatedly berated myself for omitting the fact that mouth-breathing shoppers are far less effective as checkers than actual checkers.

Needless to say, my old lady was pissed off as she was waiting for me to get home and watch the young 'un so she could to go to the gym.

That, in a not-so-concise story, is why Walmart is a necessary evil.

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