What content makes you popular?

My job entails a shitload of crunching analytical data for various accounts and tweaking variables to make the world function properly so as boring as it may sound, numbers are interesting to me and what works best and draws the most interaction can be huge - both in terms of popularity and dollars.

That's why, from time to time, I make it a point to check which blog content here has performed best.

It's no surprise that in the little over two years I have been using this particular software on this blog that I have derived approximately half of my traffic due to the popularity of camel toe, nipples and ass - particularly Kim Kardashian's ass and the 2008 Beijing Olympics and the proliferation of camel toe and nipples which is almost exclusive to beach volleyball and gymnastics.

If you're curious, here are the top posts (from my top ten sources of traffic)

1) From came toe to nipples, olympics are the place

4) I'm on camel toe patrol

5) Welcome to China, nipple capital of the world

7) Kim Kardashian and her ass will dance

8) Extreme trailer house makeover

9) Mix American Diner, Chaska, MN

10) Nursing home abuse and the dad who defends it

So, what I glean from this is that well over half of the traffic I receive must be from doctors and clothing designers because who else wold be interested in camel toe, nipples and ass? I've also learned that, in all seriousness, you tend to get most of your long-term traffic from the state in which you reside. I lean, for the most part, heavily Minnesotan with my content and the post about the nursing home abuse in Albert Lea, MN did get picked up somewhere nationally so writing about what you know (I'm originally from the Austin-Albert Lea area) works. Maybe I'll write about farming or my garden because I do know both of those topics quite well. What would you like to see here? More sex and light-heartedness or more topical content?

Or just more mentioning of the kick-ass photos at MinnPics. All Minnesota - guaranteed!

Teens & oral sex

Is oral sex the new goodnight kiss for teens in America? According to an ABC documentary (via), it is. I have my doubts, though, because teens have been known to tell tall tales. Especially in front of their friends because who wouldn't want to brag about crazy, drunken parties where every girl there is on her knees with a mouth full of - um - pants sausage.

Maybe I'm dating myself but when I was in high school waaaaaaaaay back in the '90s I don't recall those parties actually happening nor do I remember any hot classmate eagerly gobbling my brand of sausage - so to speak.

Teenagers, by definition, are bullshitters. They are really not to be believed even if their stories are so true and paint such an awesome picture that you can almost imagine Brittany the cheerleader captain with her mouth wrapped around some guy's trouser meat and three or four of her cheerleader friends dancing topless on a coffee table in the next room. Hell, most parents aren't too cool with having their child's dumbass friends in their house, much less having a teen sex party in the basement.

Sure, teens have sex with other teens because that's how pregnant teen moms are made but if these blowjob parties and amateur stripper shows are happening, there damn well be some less than grainy undercover footage.

MinnPics is sex-free but that doesn't mean that the photos don't entirely rock so check it out.

An interview with me

The throngs of readers here don't particularly know a lot about yours truly so why not an interview to enlighten and entertain? And who better to interview yours truly than the personality I coined Sunday evening over a few bottles of Leinie's Summer Shandy - Captain Fantastic.

Captain Fantastic: What is one thing your readers have to know about you?

Sornie: I am actually painfully normal. I wear pants most days and my underwear is nearly free of tears and rips.

CF: What is your favorite music?

S: Wellllllll....... I am about to crack the 15,000 track mark on my iMac's iTunes library so the variety contained there tends to describe me fairly well although avid readers here know that I have a passion for alternative music and actually believe that radio can be good although the Twin Cities, outside of 89.3 The Current, is a complete pile of shit in its present state and virtually unlistenable.

CF: Do you do any tricks?

S: I don't know if it's a trick but I've been known to run through the house wearing a towel (and nothing else?) proclaiming myself Mr. Towely.

CF: What scares you?

S: Being unemployed. Honestly, I am surprised that I am gainfully employed. Oh, sure, I've held on for over six years at my current job but I've always got my eye on a couple cardboard boxes to pack the contents of my overloaded desk in as management escorts me from the building kicking and screaming.

CF: Do you have any favorite things?

S: Most every material item I could actually do without. It's easy to say but when Ebola finally kills millions and puts the rest of us on lockdown, I'll be wishing I had charged my iPod.

CF: Coke or Pepsi?

S: Coke all the way. Pepsi is the work of the devil and Coke is addictive. I'm fairly certain that they still put the cocaine in it.

CF: Have you ever "crossed swords"?

S: I've been camping at Apple River so I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't agreed to a late-night sword fight with competing streams.

CF: Do you have a favorite color?

S: PMS 185C - it's Coca-Cola red in printer's terms.

CF: Favorite food?

S: I've been curious what baby formula tastes like and whether or not it would be tasty if used in the making of a vanilla shake.

CF: Favorite author?

S: Um, yeah, I don't read much in the way of books but a great writer is Matt Taibbi. Google him.

CF: Favorite type of cloud?

S: Mammatus. They look like boobs.

CF: Any advice for the class of 2009?

S: Good damn luck. I hope you like being unemployed. But seriously, drag out your time in college as long as possible and get wise with all things internet - and I don't mean constantly updating your Facebook page. Learn coding languages, get into development, learn CSS, PHP, mySQL and teach yourself Drupal. I'm slowly working on it - so should you.

(oh, the inspiration for this, and a couple questions, came from here)

Alright, this wasn't very humorous and I'm probably going to slit Captain Fantastic's throat while he sleeps but for consistent quality check out the photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. You won't regret clicking that link.

And if you have any questions about me, leave them in the comments and I'll answer them promptly.

Hulu keeps getting better

Yes, it's now easy as pie to find old-school clips like this SNL Bill Brasky gem with Will Ferrell and John Goodman and shows on Hulu. Go to www.hulu.com/labs and see what new goodies they're cooking up - it's getting so good I'm seriously considering ditching cable - at least for the summer.

The Gosselins won't go away

Are Jon and Kate Gosselin (of TLC's Jon & Kate Plus Eight) getting divorced? Are they together? Or is this whole circus surrounding them a huge, elaborate, sprawling promotional stunt?

The timing of Jon Gosselin's supposed cheating surfacing is rather convenient. The rather forced drama surrounding the premiere episode (last night) seemed to be beyond contrived. All of the controversy surrounding the family of 10 seems a bit too convenient to me. I don't know about the few people reading this but I am sick of seeing them. That damn Gosselin family is everywhere. They are plastered across the Discovery Television Channels on cable, salacious headlines regarding Kate's past, her attitude, her behavior, Jon's behavior, his past, their tumultuous marriage, separation and now their supposed divorce are on the cover of every celebrity-obsessed waste of paper at every damn checkout stand in America. They need to go away. But they won't.

The Gosselin family is a product of their own making. A mom who saw a way to fund her life, sold the soul of her children to a television channel and is at their mercy and she loves it. Oh, so what if it ruins the lives of everyone who is a part of it outside of her? I find her over-the-top behavior nauseating and if the whole thing is a publicity stunt coordinated by some faceless person behind tshe show, kudos to them for basically bringing the entire country to a screeching halt over the aupposed antics of a couple of non-celebrities from Pissant-Nowhere, Pennsylvania and actually making casual fans of the show turn in to rabid, frothing jackals who are starting flame wars and opposing blogs online.

If TLC pulled the plug on this show tomorrow, America would forget about the fmae whore known as Kate Gosselin and they'd all slip in to obscurity by summer's end - and I'd be happier for it happening. They are a product of manufactured fame and with the youngest six kids going off to school in the fall (they turned five in last night's premiere) that fame is about to end. Hopefully TLC has someone with half of a brain running things and realizes that filming a show that revolves around the fabulous and exciting adventures of a brood of pre-schoolers will lose something when they have homework to do and begin to become actual people who are less and less influenced by their power-hungry mommy.

They are essentially singing their swan song for the next couple months and if a divorce is actually in the works for Jon and Kate Gosselin, her desire for more fame will ultimately be their own undoing.

MinnPics isn't about fame and glory. It's about quality photographs from across Minnesota. Click and see what's new today.

All about Kate Gosselin's fake blog

It's a well-kept secret that I write both a celebrity gossip blog and a TV blog for my employer so it's often hard to truly express myself within the language limitations placed on me. That's why I've become increasingly random here but the one thing I am intensely focused on is Jon & Kate Plus Eight on TLC. That show is truly shit. Kate Gosselin basically has neutered her husband and if he is tip-toeing through the tulips with another woman, kudos to him because the dude's wife if a self-centered, celebrity-obsessed bitch who only cares about her appearance and sees her kids (but only the youngest six) as dollar signs. If you want to see how truly crazy it is that this family has a television show because - gasp - they're a unique family - check out "Kate Gosselin's" blog at TLC.com for two reasons. First off, I sincerely doubt that she actually sits down at a computer and types that drivel that seems to be written by one of the show's pee-ons or a fifth grader with a severe learning disability. The second reason is that I've begun commenting there (under the obvious name "Sornie") to see how many comments of mine the producers will actually post as I get increasingly over-the-top in my congratulating of this God-like woman.

There's actually a third reason too. They moderate the fuck out of the comments. So much so that an unfettered blog, Gosselins Without Pity, has popped up so people can freely voice themselves over the fake TLC blog posts where only positivity is allowed in the comments.

But back to the shrew known as Kate Gosselin. It's widely known (now) that she began plotting and scheming on how to turn a buck after she insisted on fertility treatments for her second pregnancy. She saw, from day one, sextuplets as tiny cash machines. Dress them all alike and the money will pour in. And thanks to our braindead society willing to gobble up even the lowest shit, because it's neatly packaged, she has won. But I think the relative collapse over the past month of her perfect little fairytale life of having a bunch of nannies, nurses, aides and staff around to essentially raise your little troop of hellions will finally bring to an end her reign of terror. Maybe this will be the end of America making somebody out of nobody. Maybe it's finally the damn end of the bullshit we, as a society, gobble up because we're too fucking lazy to read a book, magazine, listen to some music, go for a walk or watch PBS (which had a killer two hour Nova on Tuesday night about Evolution vs. "Intelligent Design") because all we want to do after our mundane jobs is to shut our brains off.

Well, I can dream.

If you want to stimulate your brain, check out the photos at MinnPics.

They mystique of who will win American Idol

I don't care who will win American Idol. There, that's out of the way. In fact, I don't even know the names of one single contestant on this season's floundering show. More perplexing to me than why people watch these kids sing only to have a British dick in a tight shirt tear them down and leave them just short of tears. What makes me most curious is why it will take 2 hours and 7 minutes tonight to unveil the "winner" of this sham of a contest. And on the anger side, a TV network (FOX) who bases their entire operation around one franchise series is not a network. Really, they juggle their entire schedule to fit in four hours of this manufactured drama each week at the beginning of the season.

Now before you get all preachy and say that this show makes dreams come true, let's see just how many legitimate stars this crapfest has actually produced. The first season (which I actually watched) made Kelly Clarkson a household name. Beyond her actual career, only Carrie Underwood has actually attained some level of success and time will tell if she can follow up her initial success or if she fades into obscurity like Fantasia Barrino, Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. Jordin Sparks and David Cook's true fate remains to be seen as both have done something but are definitely not breakout stars because one song does not a star make.

So, tonight's eighth season finale will crown yet another teen whose dreams of stardom are tied to a heavily leveraged recording deal in which Simon Cowell's record label essentially owns their soul and will do little to promote their efforts beyond an initial single which will receive boatloads of Top 40 radio airplay between now and the end of the year until being discarded as another has been.

Does this sound accurate?

Quizno's makes porn for sandwich lovers

Quizno's knows how to lower the bar. In an effort to bring the whole "2 Girls, 1 Cup" disgusting video back to life, the company that recently implied that a dude was about to make sweet love to his Quizno's sub machine has done it again with "2 Girls, 1 Sub". It's not exactly commercial length but the production values scream professional effort and there was obviously some money put in to the making of the longer-than-usual commercial. It's not just somewhat racy, it's overtly pornographic. I'm surprised one of the swimsuit-clad models didn't pull her bottoms off and pleasure herself with the Quizno's Torpedo sub. Maybe we'd call that "Quiznoing yourself".



(Via @emilysaysso)

Whatever the case, take the commercial for a spin and ask yourself this: would you feel at least somewhat ashamed of yourself if one of your children saw this on TV?

For something on the wholesome side, check out MinnPics. The name says it all, photos by Minnesotans in Minnesota about Minnesota.

Searching for Mary Louise's big nipples (SFW)

I always find it interesting what people are Googling. Today's results as of 9 AM were rather odd to say the least.

Apparently Mary Louise shows off her huge nipples. I found myself wondering just who Mary Louise is and how enormous her nipples are but I have some restraint (thankfully) and will probably forget about this search in a couple hours and it will fall off of the Google Trends chart too.

A bit further down I was made aware that the huge nipples apparently belong to Mary Louise Parker and her big nipples were photographed and prominently displayed somewhere and have obviously been talked about quite a lot - probably on Top 40 Radio morning shows because that's the kind of hot topic they thrive on.

A simple Google search reveals that the photos are probably from her series, Weeds on Showtime where she doesn't mind doing nude scenes and having seen a few episodes of Weeds I have to say that this 44 year-old is smokin' hot and is probably the envy of many teenagers in her fictional neighborhood from the series where she peddles pot as a living from her suburban McMansion.

And now that you are in the mood for photos, check out MinnPics which features all things Minnesota.

How NOT to spend your weekend

I got stuck in a slide. No, not one of those shitty new-fangled plastic models with curves and bumps on it, this was an old-school burn-your-legs-in-the-hot-summer-sun metal slide. Straight as an arrow. The only problem was that I didn't really examine its width before chasing the oldest nephew down it. Now before you throw your head into overdrive and assume that I am a fatty (of sorts) let me preemptively defend myself and remind you that my waist is a slim and trim 33 inches and is very well proportioned to my 6-foot 1-inch tall frame. It's just that the slide wasn't designed for 30 year-olds.

And I think that this is a problem. Why should it be that a 30 year-old guy can't have a bit of fun on a slide? Why should that level of fun be left to four year-old kids who have so little focus that a swing bores the crap out of them even after my simple instuctions. Maybe it's time to develop an adult playground. No, not that type of adult playground but one with swings (no, not those swings), teeter-totters, those spinny merry-go-round things, the animals on ultra-sturdy springs and slides built for an adult-sized waistline. It's truly what America needs right now.

And America also needs grea tphotography. That's where MinnPics comes in. It's a showcase for great photography with hand-picked photos from across Minnesota.

The Chrysler dealer closing list

The development of Chrysler deciding to shutter nearly a third of their dealerships - all of which the deem as "underperforming" - makes it abundantly clear that there is finally some amount of oversight from the federal government that they expect results and changes when a corporation accepts federal bailout dollars.

Maybe it will finally be a wake-up call that not every town of a couple thousand people can now sustain a healthy business community. Chalk it up to the Walmart-ization of America but business lives in America's big cities and it (now) dies in the heartland. Small cities don't have the same sort of community vibe that they did at the turn of the 20th century. There is no corner drug store, no general store, no cafe where locals frequented, met their neighbors and mulled over the latest gossip. If the young people (a.k.a. the next generation) don't see opportunity there in their future they leave and take their spending money with them. The car companies simply by inventing, manufacturing and improving automobiles since their inception essentially did themselves in by making travel over long distances both possible and comfortable.

I'm actually surprised that I didn't see more Minnesota/Northern Iowa/western Wisconsin dealerships on the list (available in its entirety here), especially in the Twin Cities metro.

Chrysler dealers to close/lose sales of the Chrysler-Dodge-Jeep line:

Lyons Dodge - Mason City, Iowa
Ken Krause Motors - Emmetsburg, Iowa
Motor Inn Inc. - Estherville, Iowa
Motor Inn Inc. - Le Mars, Iowa
Schuelke Auto Company - Storm Lake, Iowa

Chilson, Inc - Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Johnson Motors - St Croix Falls, Wisconsin
Quinn Motors - Ellsworth, Wisconsin

Denny Hecker's Chrysler Dodge Jeep - Pine City, Minnesota
Factor Motors - Le Center, Minnesota
Fury Dodge - Lake Elmo, Minnesota
Marchant Motor Company - Spring Valley, Minnesota
Mason Motor Company - Excelsior, Minnesota
Nereson Automotive (Jeep) - Detroit Lakes, Minnesota
Paul Busch Auto Center - Wabasha, Minnesota
Pen Motors Inc. - Duluth, Minnesota
Salem Motors, Inc. - Crookston, Minnesota
Salmon Motors, Inc. - Tracy, Minnesota
Scholtes Motors - Worthington, Minnesota
Scott-Preusse, Inc. - Redwood Falls, Minnesota
Sonju Two Harbors - Two Harbors, Minnesota
Stillwater Motor Company - Stillwater, Minnesota
Walser Hopkins Dodge - Hopkins, Minnesota

Bad music

Sometimes you never realize how truly terrible the music of the past was until you hear it mocked by two girls covering it in a different style.



And yes, the black haired girl played Ted's girlfriend on the dearly departed sitcom Scrubs.

Stalker or curious person

After work today my old lady and I, along with the child, ventured streetside to plant some flowers we bought a week or so ago. Not even five minutes had passed when, as I glanced down our street, I saw a vehicle I recognized.

"Hey, that's the one person (I actually said the individual's name) I work with. Why the hell's [this person] driving by our house? [This person] lives about 15 or 20 miles away - it said so in the newsletter a few months back."

"Huh" responded my old lady.

No less than a minute passed when the very same vehicle drove by at a low rate of speed again. Being who I am, I stared intently letting this individual know that I had seen them and I'm fairly certain there was eye contact to cement my neck-craning stare as I held the baby and alternated between watching traffic on our tucked-away street and watching my old lady dig in the dirt.

"Was that [the same person]?"

"Yeah, and that's not just a coincidence. Nobody accidentally drives fifteen miles out of their way to accidentally drive down our street twice. At least go over a block for your return trip" I said almost breathlessly as my curiosity started building.

Would this individual mention the chance drive down my residential street in a fashion that seemed to be exclusively for scoping out my house? What's the deal? Is this person curious about how I'm living so damn large on my pauper's wage? Is this person plotting some sort of revenge directed at me?

I have so many questions and while I'd love to ask them all I highly doubt I could get even a shred of an answer because this person's sole purpose on Earth is to do as little as possible while appearing to be extremely busy because a closed door always means you're busy.

What's your take? Is this co-worker just overly curious or should I be double deadbolting my doors and parking my car a couple blocks over and living in fear of some sort of horror movie reenactment?

The sane photographers across Minnesota make MinnPics possible. Click over and check out what photographic treasures are showcased today!

Bad family photos

I don't think I've ever been a aprt of a "family" photo. I despise being in front of the camera because it's not me. I make myself busy behind the camera in an effort to make the subjects of the photo look natural and comfortable and have fun.

Then I see photos like these. The person taking crap photos like this should be beaten mercilessly but that kind of punishment would put an end to such atrocious photos as these. The posing is horribly forced and everything about the photos are bad. Laugh if you like.

One or two people leaning on their fist is borderline okay but a group of five being forced, probably against their will, to rest their chin on their fist is bad... or funny... But in the end it makes for an awkward family photo.

This family must be part monkey because there is no way anyone else would climb a tree only to be posed riding a large tree branch. Maybe in the photographer's head it seemed like a kick-ass idea but when put on paper it looks like another awkward family photo that we can all snicker at.

For photos that don't suck, check out MinnPics.

I'm a mother lover

Chalk it up to great timing for a topical tribute to mothers everywhere and the sons who love them.


Hey, I'm still up in the air on the whole topic of swapping moms with a buddy and sexing them up just right but you have to admit that the cheesy musical stylings of Adam Samberg teamed with Justin Timberlake make SNL a still-viable source of comedy - even if it is in three-minute doses or awesomely-produced videos. Happy Mother's Day to all the motherlovers out there!

(Updated with clip from Hulu, NBC.com sucks.)

And be sure to check out MinnPics for the best photos in the entire state!

It's a tennis court - for zombies

Nearly every day myself and the rest of the office drones in my department use on of our 15 minutes breaks. It builds employee morale when it seems, at times, that each day could be our last and it gives us a chance to get somewhat in shape. It gets tough sitting in a chair straining to be creative for 7.5 hours a day, 4.75 days each week.

I had seen the rectangular, fenced-in area since day one. It sits behind some rather non-descript townhomes alongside a drainage channel where the recreational trail is. The chainlink fence seems out of place to begin with and it made me wonder. What exactly is this area meant for?

I immediately recognized its proportions as that of a tennis court then, as the gerbil got back on the wheel, I put two and two together. Chainlink fence plus a tennis court-sized area obviously equals zombie tennis. It's a logical way to both keep the brain-hungry zombies contained and entertained because even zombies get bored.

I could immediately picture the arguments between zombie players and the zombie line judge. Zombie tennis full of mishaps including, but not limited to, arms still attached to the racket hurdling end over end because zombies are always losing limbs; zombie tennis players viciously biting other players and the zombies endlessly walking against the fence in their futile attempts at escape but still not being able to figure out the climbing the lowly three foot-tall fence would lead to their escape and plenty of precious brains.

Normalcy isn't a bad thing so go check out the non-warped side of my work at MinnPics where you can appreciate the hundreds of photos which I have already showcased and wait patiently for what's next.

The problem with bathrooms

They smell bad. That's the short version but I will gladly elaborate.

Bathrooms, by nature, are small and enclosed spaces - often without windows for ventilation. Their small nature only exacerbates the smell factor. Throw in a tightly-closed door and you have a recipe for ofactory disaster.

Then I had a revelation of sorts. I hiked up my britches, washed my hands and jotted down my brilliant idea. "Open air, no door, larger"

Those three thoughts say it all. Bathrooms need to be more luxurious, sprawling spaces. The larger space would give more volume for the stink molecules to dissipate and leaving off the door - maybe even a wall or two - would only serve to better air out the previously cramped bathroom. My figures indicate that the average American spends approximately 93 minutes each day tending to one sort of business or another in the confines of their home or workplace bathroom. That is virtually wasted time. You aren't actively carrying on a conversation because the door is closed or the exhaust fan is running. Imagine life in your new bathroom separated by only a sheer curtain from the person you are conversing with. A wide-open window effectively bringing the outdoors in as cute bluebirds chirp in the distance. Hey, it sure beats the nuisance of a loud bathroom ventilation fan, doesn't it?

Sure, my concept was written off as "the dumbest thing ever" by my old lady but wouldn't you trade 93 minutes each day in the cramped confines of your current bathroom for the all new bathroom of the future? I would - construction has already begun. I invite any curious parties to stroll by and check things out - I'll be the guy looking out the large picture window with his pants around his ankles enjoying the spring breeze unencumbered by a door.

MinnPics. The name says it all. Photos about Minnesota. Check it out now.

This is why religion sucks

Religion, at its core, is an excellent form of community building and a fine place to gather and meet those in your community. It can give a sense of place -- especially in this hurried, hectic and generally fucked-up world. Then shit like this happens.

President Obama was invited by Notre Dame University - a Catholic university - to speak at their commencement ceremony later this month. Then today the bishop of the Winona (Minnesota) diocese berates both President Obama's policies and the choice of the officials at Notre Dame University. The Catholic church's hang-ups are the President's lifting of the ban on stem cell research and his pro-choice stance on the topic of abortion. In the eyes of hte Catholic church, pro-choice on the abortion topic means pregnant women having abortions because their mood changed on day. Sadly for the Catholic church, I have never met a woman who would make a choice like this on a whim. The majority of women, even if the pregnancy posed a risk to her own health and life, would endlessly agonize over a decision like that. A pro-choice stance coming from the President simply means that in those cases where abortion is the last choice for a pregnant woman, it will be done safely by someone who is medically trained. Not by someone in the back of a Chevy cargo van with a rusty pliers.

As for the stem cell debate, the stem cells in question come from fetuses who weren't used in the pregnancy procedures they were originally created for and would otherwise be medical waste. If you really want the argument dumbed down, scientists are acting like the area recycling truck in using something destined for a medical waste incinerator to potentially cure previously incurable diseases.

If the Catholic church - the church which I am a member of - wants to preach unity and spread their bullshit message of tolerance and acceptance they need to realize that their very denouncement of President's Obama's stance on abortion and stem cell research is further dividing the country at a time when such trivial issues aren't really an issue at all. It's time for the Catholic church to get off their high horse and realize that their cherry-picked issue of the week would play far better in the 15th century. Of course, what should I expect from a religion who still treats females as second class citizens by requiring nuns to take a vow of poverty while male priests are paid a living wage and receive retirement benefits after their careers in the priesthood ends? Then there's their intolerance of homosexuality. Days like this are when I truly question the entirety of the Catholic religion.

For a less divisive time, check out the stellar photos featured at MinnPics. They will bring a smile to your face.

I have a new love

I'm sure that, by now, you've all seen at least head that Pepsi and Mountain Dew have released throwback versions of their sodas. What that boils down to is a retro logo and original ingredients - mainly - gasp - real sugar.

And to the spoilsports out there who dig in their heels and staunchly proclaim that "a sweetener is a sweetener - high fructose corn syrup is just the same as sugar" I'd like to knock their teeth out with a baseball bat. I am not a fan of Pepsi products but will take Mountain Dew if I'm in a restaurant where real soda (Coke) isn't available. Due to a coupon at Cub Foods last week, I tried a 20 oz. bottle of the Mountain Dew throwback and it's good. If ever a sugar-filled drink could be called crisp and clean, this is the one.

Corn Syrup is what it is. It makes everything taste ultra-sweet and sludgy. It' obvious devoid of any texture because it's nothing more than a gelatinous blob and you can tell when you're poisoning yourself by drinking it that it's a syrup. I don't chug pancake syrup (which also contains that crap) so why would I want to do the same with soda filled with corn syrup?

It proves that large, multi-national food companies can still turn a profit using natural sugar so why not make the Pepsi and Mountain Dew throwbacks the new classics? Coke learned their lesson with their new formula about 25 years ago so be the leader Pepsi. Lead us to a new generation of sugar-sweetened soda.

The thought purge - item 8

I likes me a good video. Especially when you can combine the Cleveland Cavaliers, VCRs and Detroit in to a catch tune.

The thought purge - item 7

Weathermen suck. It was supposed to be mostly cloudy today. I see blue sky above my window. Weatherman FAIL.

The thought purge - item 6

Oldies-type radio is like your favorite blanket you've had since you were two years old. It's old, it smells terrible and it's soooo fucking predictible yet some people can't let go of it. Sure, it's cool in random, small doses but if it's all you consume, like eating nothing but grapes, eventually your pee will smell funny and you'll die because variety is the staple of a balanced diet and living on grapes (oldies) really should leave you craving more. God, I am loving The Current (thecurrent.org) today.

The thought purge - item 5

I could definitely be a pimp - at least in the style department. Gawdy clothes are always fun and I already have been known to scream "Bitch, where's my money!?!"

The thought purge - item 4

I'm sort of sweating. But I'm inside. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it glandular? I'm going to check the thermostat in the office.

The thought purge - item 3

"Information funnels" suck. I'm more of a direct contact guy. And I'm thirsty. I should go grab a cupcake before they're all gone. Note the correct usage of "they're". Take note world.

The thought purge - item 2

Gardetto's > Chex Mix.

This comes from six-plus years of consuming both.

Bugles don't even register.

The thought purge - item 1

Women have vaginal rejuvenation surgery to rejuvenate their vaginas, what's out there for guys? Is there some sort of scrotum lift?

The thought purge

My life is a series of short, often inarticulate thoughts that are interesting and thought provoking (at least to me). However, I rarely share them for fear of being written off as "crazy", "insane" or a "possible pedophile". Maybe I'm all of those, maybe I'm none of those. Whatever the case, I came up with a novel idea to share every random, sometimes disturbing thought that wandered through my mind. Maybe I'll do it just for the day and it will be done. Maybe I'll do it from time to time in recurring fashion. Whatever. Keep checking back incessantly to see what happens when I type without overthinking things. Raw. Disturbing. Odd. Quirky. Those words suck. Just humor me and keep chicking back to delve deeper into my personality.