In flipping through the labyrinth of obscure cable channels recently, I happened across "Jurassic Park". I immediately blurted out "crap" and proceeded onward. My old lady, upon hearing me blurt out "crap" turned to me and asked "Why is it crap?".
I launched in to a lengthy explanation about how I am not a Jeff Goldblum fan and that the science behind it (because I know so damn much about science) doesn't make one bit of sense and then I let it slip that I had never watched it.
That set off a bit of a storm in the living room that particular evening. "How can you hate something if you've never seen it?" "How do you know shit about dinosaurs?" "Why do you hate America because America IS Jeff Goldblum?"
Of course I sat there stunned that my dislike of a movie which I had admittedly not seen in my moderately long life but that's how I roll. I form judgments based on seeing only parts of the item I inevitably dislike. I find the overall plot of "Lost" to be more scientifically thought out than that of "Jurassic Park". I have no desire to ever learn anything about dinosaurs because Dino from "The Flinstones" is the be all end all when it comes to dinosaurs. Do I think that dinosaurs would make a tasty treat? Yes I do. Would I hunt dinosaurs if they roamed the earth today? No, but I'd certainly buy the choice dinosaur cuts of meat at my local grocer of choice. Would I watch "Jurassic Park" if it was the only form of theatrical entertainment left after some sort of audio/visual media apocalypse? No, I'd lay back and watch clouds or play with sticks but I'd never watch "Jurassic Park". And that, folks, is why I've never seen "Jurassic Park".
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Keys to being a Minnesotan
Immigrants to Minnesota say that it's hard to adapt, that us native Minnesotans are closed off and cliquish. While that may be true, in my 31-plus years as a native Minnesotan I've noticed certain things that will make you stick out like a sore thumb so below are some tips on how to fit in to the Minnesota culture.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The battle of the leaves
Fall is a pretty kick-ass season. The air is crisp. The stores are full of costumes - some especially scandalous ones for the ladies. The colors seem more vibrant. And the leaves are falling. For the past five or six years I've had a love-hate relationship with those falling leaves. For the first couple years I simp ly chopped the hell ot ouf them with my shitty old lawn mower and let things be. Then the third year of owning our house the fallen leaves seemed thicker than usual. I raked them that year and haphazardly composted them in my garden. The fourth year I had my shiny new lawnmower complete with a bagger and after using it in mulcher mode a couple of times I bagged most everything from my front yard the final few mowings.
Then this year happened. Despite my pre-planning consisting of bagging my front lawn beginning back in early September when the go-getters decided to hit the ground, I hit a thick leafy wall by the last week of Sepember.
I mulched, bagged and raked all in the course of one week but with only a tiny percentage of the leave having fallen I knew I was fucked and threw in the towel.
I've now gone about two weeks without mowing my front yard but my old lady, full of good intentions, raked things up midway through last week. That progress was quickly covered by another thick blanket of fallen leaves. Sure, they made for a kick-ass playground last weekend for the daughter but with nicely manicured lawns all around my home, I realized last night that those fucking leaves had to go.
Below is the situation I was greeted with when I arrived home from the local coal mine last night.
Before the supper bell rang I had corralled this massive pile of leaves and nearly broken my rake no less than 15 times but had only reached the front portion of my narrow side yard. Combine the hefty weight load of a yard full of leaves and a child insistent on playing in this fucking huge pile of leaves and what you are left with is one tired guy.
But I wasn't done. I was determined to land this hugetastic mountain of annoying leaves in the far back corner of my yard and eventually compact them in to my compost bin and be done with the most annoying part of fall. This battle would be won if it killed me but I WOULD finish it by 7 PM because I get cranky if I miss my stories.
To wrap up this story before you slip in to a coma, the leaves lost their battle. Their fallen brothers and sisters lie scattered across the front, side and back yards but the majority of their colorful army of leaves are messily piled in a massive mountain in the back yard alongside the daughter's swing set. Mark my words: the leave swill rue the day they fell on my lawn and they will become rich, black compost because I own them. I own those leaves.
Then this year happened. Despite my pre-planning consisting of bagging my front lawn beginning back in early September when the go-getters decided to hit the ground, I hit a thick leafy wall by the last week of Sepember.
I mulched, bagged and raked all in the course of one week but with only a tiny percentage of the leave having fallen I knew I was fucked and threw in the towel.
I've now gone about two weeks without mowing my front yard but my old lady, full of good intentions, raked things up midway through last week. That progress was quickly covered by another thick blanket of fallen leaves. Sure, they made for a kick-ass playground last weekend for the daughter but with nicely manicured lawns all around my home, I realized last night that those fucking leaves had to go.
Below is the situation I was greeted with when I arrived home from the local coal mine last night.
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To wrap up this story before you slip in to a coma, the leaves lost their battle. Their fallen brothers and sisters lie scattered across the front, side and back yards but the majority of their colorful army of leaves are messily piled in a massive mountain in the back yard alongside the daughter's swing set. Mark my words: the leave swill rue the day they fell on my lawn and they will become rich, black compost because I own them. I own those leaves.
The evolution of my blogging
Nobody has ever really questioned why I began blogging and I can't blame them but if you read this blog and haven't dug deep in to the archives, I'll get you up to speed.
Mere months after moving to the Twin Cities on a cold December evening I began this blog, entitled "A Day in the Life". It had virtually no direction in the beginning and many would say that it still doesn't but it became a launching pad in future years for my more recent projects and my further involvement in social media as a whole.
After working in a job surrounded by journalists, and often times reading their stories before publication. I realized that I could probably do this. After all, I'm a creative type and blogging in any format seemed like a logical extension of my graphic and web design work and my hobby of photography. And it continued. For probably far too long I was posting 4-5 days each week and the content was dry. In short, it sucked. I went through a period where I was displeased with the political happenings in our country and with the outlet I had developed the content was very political.
Then one day I decided that being so focused on one topic wasn't what I was about. I think it was around 2006 (almost three years in to blogging) when I took a drastic turn and that's when people started really reading what I was writing. MNSpeak (when Max Sparber was running it) began occasionally linking to my posts and that simply spurred my blogging. I began looking at the weird shit happening in Minnesota and opened my eyes to how truly weird things I saw every day were - I still remember spotting a possible trend of pipe smoking coming back.
As I explored my own photography and that of others in Minnesota I began putting together MinnPics to showcase the work of those Minnesotans sharing their photos on Flickr. Much to my surprise it actually took off. I dabbled there with how frequently to update and what to showcase and have settled in to a bit of a random groove with it after over two years. I juggled this blog and MinnPics and somehow kept both going while also handling all of my other daily duties as a somewhat responsible citizen. During that time, I decided to begin moving away from happenings in Minnesota with this blog and began sprinkling in more pop culture type of stuff including what could be called Nipplegate and Camel Toe watch during the 2008 summer olympics and the big rumor of last year: whether or not Lady Gaga was transgendered. (She's obviously not)
This year, I slowed down the posting here and this summer I started Minnesota Valley Photos. It's my own photos I take in and around the Minnesota River Valley and with an archive of over 15,000 photos I should be able to keep something coming for a few more months. Or years.
Being a huge music fan, I also started up a quickly thrown together collection of videos I called The Video Playlist. It's another side project that may or may not have legs but like many of the projects at work, the mantra is "fail fast". Maybe I'll shit-can it or maybe it will silently live on in obscurity forever.
At some point I also started Strib comments because the absurdity of the Star Tribune's comments is downright amazing and finding the dumbest is always a good time! I rarely update it but it's a cool concept.
For now I'm cool with how things are but if anyone's interested in taking MinnPics to the next level, I'm all ears. ALL ears. More amazing than anything is the fact that I've stuck with something for almost seven years. Especially in a world where Twitter seems to have almost killed long form blogging like this because, let's be honest, I could have probably summed this up in 140 characters but it wouldn't have put you to sleep, would it?
Mere months after moving to the Twin Cities on a cold December evening I began this blog, entitled "A Day in the Life". It had virtually no direction in the beginning and many would say that it still doesn't but it became a launching pad in future years for my more recent projects and my further involvement in social media as a whole.
After working in a job surrounded by journalists, and often times reading their stories before publication. I realized that I could probably do this. After all, I'm a creative type and blogging in any format seemed like a logical extension of my graphic and web design work and my hobby of photography. And it continued. For probably far too long I was posting 4-5 days each week and the content was dry. In short, it sucked. I went through a period where I was displeased with the political happenings in our country and with the outlet I had developed the content was very political.
Then one day I decided that being so focused on one topic wasn't what I was about. I think it was around 2006 (almost three years in to blogging) when I took a drastic turn and that's when people started really reading what I was writing. MNSpeak (when Max Sparber was running it) began occasionally linking to my posts and that simply spurred my blogging. I began looking at the weird shit happening in Minnesota and opened my eyes to how truly weird things I saw every day were - I still remember spotting a possible trend of pipe smoking coming back.
As I explored my own photography and that of others in Minnesota I began putting together MinnPics to showcase the work of those Minnesotans sharing their photos on Flickr. Much to my surprise it actually took off. I dabbled there with how frequently to update and what to showcase and have settled in to a bit of a random groove with it after over two years. I juggled this blog and MinnPics and somehow kept both going while also handling all of my other daily duties as a somewhat responsible citizen. During that time, I decided to begin moving away from happenings in Minnesota with this blog and began sprinkling in more pop culture type of stuff including what could be called Nipplegate and Camel Toe watch during the 2008 summer olympics and the big rumor of last year: whether or not Lady Gaga was transgendered. (She's obviously not)
This year, I slowed down the posting here and this summer I started Minnesota Valley Photos. It's my own photos I take in and around the Minnesota River Valley and with an archive of over 15,000 photos I should be able to keep something coming for a few more months. Or years.
Being a huge music fan, I also started up a quickly thrown together collection of videos I called The Video Playlist. It's another side project that may or may not have legs but like many of the projects at work, the mantra is "fail fast". Maybe I'll shit-can it or maybe it will silently live on in obscurity forever.
At some point I also started Strib comments because the absurdity of the Star Tribune's comments is downright amazing and finding the dumbest is always a good time! I rarely update it but it's a cool concept.
For now I'm cool with how things are but if anyone's interested in taking MinnPics to the next level, I'm all ears. ALL ears. More amazing than anything is the fact that I've stuck with something for almost seven years. Especially in a world where Twitter seems to have almost killed long form blogging like this because, let's be honest, I could have probably summed this up in 140 characters but it wouldn't have put you to sleep, would it?
Monday, October 11, 2010
What's with Slate's recent obsession with anal sex?
To most people, breaking down sexual acts via a pile of data and charts can truly make a person totally bored with the topic but for whatever reason now, twice in the course of a week, Slate has had articles on anal sex. For a rather intellectual-leaning website, I find that the recurring topic of anal sex is interesting.
Rather than rehash the data breakdown initially reported and the follow-up story analyzing the reasons behind the data, I though I'd ask questions and ponder answers about who is partaking in anal sex.
Historically speaking, anal sex has been rather taboo. It's not considered to be the social norm. Maybe it's because we're a nation of total prudes or maybe it's because those participating in anal sex have kept their sexual acts behind closed doors. Let's face it, even in 2010 people aren't exactly open about their sexual habits. It's not water cooler conversation but sex in all forms is definitely becoming more mainstream. Thank the internet for that and the rabid spread of adult-themed videos which many think is the only reason the internet exists.
Maybe the pervasive spread of technology is the simplest explanation for the uptick in anal sex. Sex isn't a technological activity but the amount of people who view porn and talk openly about it is somewhat interesting. A friend of mine spent the better part of an hour last summer around a camp fire drunkenly giggling as he showed off that his new Droid phone could play video with astounding quality. The more interesting thing about that evening was that nobody was shocked, appalled or disgusted because my generation has grown up since our teens surrounded by the internet and we know full well that while it's a powerful tool for business and communication it's also a portal for pornography. That very pornography is very freeing and liberating for some and I have a feeling that's part of the reason for the increase in the number of people reporting participating in and enjoying anal sex.
But who are these people? Judging by the number of comments on Slate's first story and the profile of the typical Slate reader, educated folks are not only experimenting with but also enjoying anal sex and apparently doing so is a regular occurance. Are they doing so because it's the next logical step when it comes to sexual experimentation or are they engaging in anal sex because of that wealth of pornography that the internet brings in to our homes? But when anal sex reaches that majority threshhold, what comes next? When it's no longer shocking or even interesting to bring up to friends that you and your significant other have been going in through the out door, what comes next? As trends go, the adult film industry is a bit of a trend-setter so I guess we'll have to wait until then to find out.
Rather than rehash the data breakdown initially reported and the follow-up story analyzing the reasons behind the data, I though I'd ask questions and ponder answers about who is partaking in anal sex.
Historically speaking, anal sex has been rather taboo. It's not considered to be the social norm. Maybe it's because we're a nation of total prudes or maybe it's because those participating in anal sex have kept their sexual acts behind closed doors. Let's face it, even in 2010 people aren't exactly open about their sexual habits. It's not water cooler conversation but sex in all forms is definitely becoming more mainstream. Thank the internet for that and the rabid spread of adult-themed videos which many think is the only reason the internet exists.
Maybe the pervasive spread of technology is the simplest explanation for the uptick in anal sex. Sex isn't a technological activity but the amount of people who view porn and talk openly about it is somewhat interesting. A friend of mine spent the better part of an hour last summer around a camp fire drunkenly giggling as he showed off that his new Droid phone could play video with astounding quality. The more interesting thing about that evening was that nobody was shocked, appalled or disgusted because my generation has grown up since our teens surrounded by the internet and we know full well that while it's a powerful tool for business and communication it's also a portal for pornography. That very pornography is very freeing and liberating for some and I have a feeling that's part of the reason for the increase in the number of people reporting participating in and enjoying anal sex.
But who are these people? Judging by the number of comments on Slate's first story and the profile of the typical Slate reader, educated folks are not only experimenting with but also enjoying anal sex and apparently doing so is a regular occurance. Are they doing so because it's the next logical step when it comes to sexual experimentation or are they engaging in anal sex because of that wealth of pornography that the internet brings in to our homes? But when anal sex reaches that majority threshhold, what comes next? When it's no longer shocking or even interesting to bring up to friends that you and your significant other have been going in through the out door, what comes next? As trends go, the adult film industry is a bit of a trend-setter so I guess we'll have to wait until then to find out.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Vikings trade for malcontent Randy Moss
It's official, the Minnesota Vikings traded for former Viking Randy Moss in a deal that sent a third round draft pick to the New England Patriots in exchange for the "I play when I want to" wide receiver.
For the obviously struggling Vikes the trade makes sense. They have been at a loss when it comes to scoring as evidenced by their lackluster 1-2 record. While Moss is a legitimate talent, he's a complete douchebag. He's a spoiled pro athlete along the lines of Isiah Junior J.R. Jeezy Rider, Christian Laettner and every other supposed superstar who has been landed by a professional Minnesota team only to be beyond disappointed by their respective team's unwillingness to beef up the team with supporting players because even these asshole athletes know that winning is not a one-man show.
Sure, Randy Moss had a couple good years with New England but who can forget his antics when he was deemed the cornerstone of the Vikings? Have we forgotten that he ran down a traffic cop in downtown Minneapolis? Have we forgotten that he's a pot smoker who was busted with drugs in his Lexus? Have we forgotten that he has actually walked off the field before the end of the game?
Obviously the Vikings are serious about contending for a Super Bowl championship but is cobbling together a couple of has-beens (Favre and now Moss) and surrounding them with a bunch of talented players who nobody outside of Minnesota could name really the way to move beyond one and done status? Impatience is probably to blame but wouldn't building towards a successful string of winning seasons be more rewarding? Is instant success all that these fairweather Vikings fans care about?
Maybe Moss will turn things around for both himself and the Vikes but I, rightfully, have my doubts about this move.
For the obviously struggling Vikes the trade makes sense. They have been at a loss when it comes to scoring as evidenced by their lackluster 1-2 record. While Moss is a legitimate talent, he's a complete douchebag. He's a spoiled pro athlete along the lines of Isiah Junior J.R. Jeezy Rider, Christian Laettner and every other supposed superstar who has been landed by a professional Minnesota team only to be beyond disappointed by their respective team's unwillingness to beef up the team with supporting players because even these asshole athletes know that winning is not a one-man show.
Sure, Randy Moss had a couple good years with New England but who can forget his antics when he was deemed the cornerstone of the Vikings? Have we forgotten that he ran down a traffic cop in downtown Minneapolis? Have we forgotten that he's a pot smoker who was busted with drugs in his Lexus? Have we forgotten that he has actually walked off the field before the end of the game?
Obviously the Vikings are serious about contending for a Super Bowl championship but is cobbling together a couple of has-beens (Favre and now Moss) and surrounding them with a bunch of talented players who nobody outside of Minnesota could name really the way to move beyond one and done status? Impatience is probably to blame but wouldn't building towards a successful string of winning seasons be more rewarding? Is instant success all that these fairweather Vikings fans care about?
Maybe Moss will turn things around for both himself and the Vikes but I, rightfully, have my doubts about this move.
Monday, October 4, 2010
My Twins comeback cover or suck it Yankees
Bob Collins of Minnesota Public Radio's famed News Cut is in search of a good comeback to the less than witty New York Daily News cover stating that due to their washed up, overpaid New York Yankees playing the Minnesota Twins they have an E-Z PASS. As Minnesotans we should probably let it slide because we know that the majority of New Yorkers are nothing short of assholes. They are rude, unpleasant, bitter and even unwashed humans who may or may not hate America. Oh, sure, the Yankees have been called, time and again, America's team but even with them consistently trying to buy a World Series-caliber team they have come up short year after year winning only two championships in the past decade.
But despite a World Series record of a miserable .200 in the past decade they call playing the Minnesota Twins having an E-Z PASS. Who has the better record? Twins. Who has home field advantage for this series? Twins. Who has a better stadium? Twins.
But rather than just spit out some witty comeback, I spent some time creating a visual approach to a comeback. Wishful thinking? Maybe.
But despite a World Series record of a miserable .200 in the past decade they call playing the Minnesota Twins having an E-Z PASS. Who has the better record? Twins. Who has home field advantage for this series? Twins. Who has a better stadium? Twins.
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