April Fools of years gone by

Blah, blah, blah. Today's April 1st. More commonly known as April Fools Day. It's some sort of free pass where you can play lame practical jokes on your boss and co-workers. You can call your wife, screaming, and tell her that you were just in a terrible accident and veer off into a bunch of jibberish and convince her that you're dying. You know, fun shit like that.

I should know because one year I convinced my old lady that I had some sort of terrible infection, apologized profusely, and asked her what it meant if it burned when I peed and my pee smelled like rotten ham. She didn't laugh.

I also, a few years ago, busted out that key command in Microsoft Windows that rotates the screen. My boss arrived to find the display on her monitor upside down. A year before that I stole the arms from her chair. Another year I taped down the hang-up button (or whatever it's called) on her phone so when she picked it up to retrieve her messages there was no dial tone.

But I'm beyond that. I even pulled a few tricks here on my blog including me angrily quitting blogging, discussed how we'd soon be homeless, had people fire off guesses about a huge November event and even our impending divorce. (Wow, my pranks are rather mean) But not this year.

This yea is all business as usual everywhere including my photo blog - MinnPics. Just be a good citizen and spread the word.

Can deals sink a business?

Giving credit where credit is due for this post, I have to admit that I've grown rather despondent about dining out. Sure, it's easy as shit because there are plenty of days where the last thing I want to do after having my nose to the grindstone for a solid eight hours and spending 90 minutes commuting is to cook. The logical choice - because, let's face it, the 16 month-old ain't gonna cook - is to get back in the car and go out somewhere to grab a bite.

In my world full of harsh realities, though, that isn't really logical. The baby lacks my oh-so sophisticated palate (really, I scheduled a work meeting at Pizza Hut this week) so that means either planning ahead and feeding her before we run out the door or buying something that she'll eat a third of and throw the rest on the floor. Hey, at least it's not my floor but it's a huge waste. It's not like I grew up during the Great Depression but I don't balk at wasting food.

That's where coupons and the like enter the fold. My old lady and I do like to exit our dungeon for special occasions and because we're basically elderly shut-ins that means dinner and a movie (could we get any more cliched?). Our favorite choice for a top-notch suburban dining excursion as of late is Santorini in Eden Prairie, MN. To this day I've never paid full price for a meal there. It began with a few gift cards but being I'm totally cheap I bought a half-price deal-type gift certificate around Valentine's Day. Call me cheap and unromantic but it's a great way to spring for a damn good meal without emptying the wallet.

I have to wonder, though, if restaurants who participate in these half-price deals which seem to be offered by every damn radio station in the Twin Cities ever gain any repeat customers beyond that initial visit. There is a bit of a moral dilemma for me on a personal level - a certain number of coupons - not just for restaurants - pay at least a portion of my salary. I feel somewhat obligated to patronize these business if at all possible but it has to be for a service or product which I'm truly interested in or cannot find elsewhere for less.

The dilemma reared its head just the other day as I knew that my car desperately needed brakes (I had slammed on them when some jackass came to a sudden stop in front of me and that was their final hurrah). I called some of the places which are kind enough to pay my salary via their advertising dollars. Then I called my brother-in-law who is a mechanic. In the end he got the job done for half price - and yes he charged me $40 labor for an hour's work.

So do you feel it's good practice to patronize local businesses or do you the cheapest route possible without ever having to pay full price regardless of what it does to the owner's finances?

If you'd rather steer clear of my rambling topics, check out some truly amazing photos of Minnesota at MinnPics!

Do you like your job?

As someone I know goes through a huge transition in their job, it made me wonder just how many people truly love their job? How many people spring up each and every morning and are eager to get to their place of business and feel invigorated with each surprise the day throws at them?

On the flip side, how many people reluctantly roll out of bed each morning, grumbling their way to their place of business because they have to? How many people do so because it's a means to an end? They have bills to pay and have simply settled? The job is far from perfect but cash is needed so you do it.

It's the reason I've heard over and over again in the past year or two: "just be happy you have a job". Is that what we've come to as a country? Should we be happy to slog through each day working for a company who uses its underpaid minions to fatten their own wallets while shortchanging those who produce the true results? Maybe those w ho wade through the daily bullshit will also be rewarded one day but having seen both good times and bad I am skeptical at best.

Maybe in the end it all balances out and those whose dreams were crushed, whose talents were overlooked and whose hard work was taken advantage of without proper recognition will prosper. After all, the meek shall inherit the earth, right?

If reading this got you down, check out the far happier MinnPics - it's full of stunning, mind-blowing photos from across Minnesota!

Things that are grinding my gears

The stress of many years has finally gotten to me. As I dealt with slow traffic and an ultra-shitty commute due to flooding I received a barely decipherable call from my old lady. All I could hear was her bawling and the child screaming. I can't make traffic move any faster, I barely slept last night due to my old lady being sick and me being home wasn't going to happen any time soon.

Then, as I pulled in to my driveway, I heard the telltale low growl signaling that my rear brakes had finally met their maker. It was the frothy shit icing on my shit cake week.

But my sister-in-law, with three young kids of her own, called me too during my commute from hell and knew what was going on and graciously offered to pick up my kid and take her for a bit so we could regain our composure.

So, in the end, there was someone there ready and willing to help. She said that she owes us for all the times we've helped her. Maybe Minnesota nice, even after all those times I've claimed it was a huge lie does exist. Maybe it comes out during the truly worst of times. And maybe, just maybe, things will slowly fall back in to place with my work, my commute, my old lady's job and her commute and everything will begin to balance out once again.

Until then, MinnPics is a calm and compelling respite from the stress of the day. Check out the stunning photos of Minnesota and tell a friend about the site too!

I want my Minnesota River crossings back

I'll preface this by saying that I'm thankful - even with my proximity to a severely flooded Minnesota River - that my house is dry. Not even a drop of moisture in my basement which, based on my daughter's reaction, is a terribly scary place. My gripe today centers around the highways which usually give us a safe and effective crossing across that very river.

For whatever reason, though, these highways - some after even multiple reconstructions - weren't raised above flood levels which now place them under water for weeks at a time. Did you know that right now you can cross the Minnesota River at only one place between LeSueur and Bloomington. That's a 50 mile stretch of river dividing the state with one viable river crossing at this time. That hampers commerce, commuters and business in general.

My commute, as these crossings closed, went from about 30 minutes to an hour. It's a hassle, sure, but at least my house is dry and we can still get to most places we need to. But those highways, why weren't they reconstructed to remain passable during floods like the one we're currently experiencing. If built properly, a road above current flood levels would also act as a levee to add some control to the flood waters and it wouldn't result in such a pain in the ass for thousands of drivers who are dealing with my predicament on a daily basis.

Was there no forward vision after what many viewed to be the ultimate flood in 1965? And when it happened again in 1993 did state officials not notice a damn pattern developing? Wow, the same roadways are flooding but it's 3-5 feet of water. To me, 3-5 feet of additional height - especially through already disturbingly low areas - isn't an obstacle or a safety issue, it makes sense to add this additional height to these vital highways.

I'm not pretending to be a highway engineer - even though I do know my way around Legos - but wouldn't the cost of rebuilding even half of the currently closed river crossings across the Minnesota River when their time for reconstruction comes make financial sense? Or are we so fucked as a country that looking forward costs too much and we should even think twice about affording tomorrow?

If you like to see photos of what is flooded, check out MinnPics. It's a wealth of stunning photos from both dry and wet corners of Minnesota.

My hairstylist could do without prom

As I was getting my hair did yesterday, the conversation turned to prom season. It's just around the corner and it signals Spring and the approach of Summer. It also means one terror-filled day for hairdressers everywhere.

Her main gripe was with the snippy little bitches who tear a page out of a magazine of a dolled up teen starlet and demand that very same hairstyle. All for 50 bucks. I can relate because I have clients demand a certain look and based on what I'm being paid, they get what I give them. It's a lot like a counterfeit Rolex. It's close but anyone who sees it knows that it's just not the same.

From hairstyles and the bitchy girls who demand that this curl go the opposite direction, we moved towards the excesses of the modern prom. From stretch limos to dresses that A.) cost what my wife's wedding dress did to B.) the skanky, too-short dresses girls wear to formal dances.

Now before you call me a codger or an angry old coot, I'm only 30 years old but just twelve or fourteen years ago when I went to my junior and senior prom, the girls weren't wearing ultra-short, hey, look at my panties-type dresses (and that's if the girls today are even bothering to wear underthings...) or at least my dates weren't.

So what has changed? Has fifteen or so years seen changes so drastic that I should just give up and admit that I am hopelessly disconnected from all things younger? And since when does prom have to be the teenage equivalent of a wedding? I know one thing, my daughter's going to pay her own way if she sees the need for a stretch limo, hundred dollar hairdo and a barely-there dress because the one difference between a wedding and prom is that very few couples have sex in the back seat of their parents' car on their wedding night. The same can not be said for prom night.

Check out MinnPics if you give a damn about the rising river levels across all part sof Minnesota. New photos just posted...

National broadband internet is actually a good idea

In 2010, the internet is a vital emerging utility service like electricity was in the early to mid-1900s. I've been fortunate enough to be able to both have access to and afford broadband access since 2001 and I viewed it as vital even back then when my only other option was dial-up which seemed slow even then.

Different people will see it differently. To many, internet access has no value but I am increasingly finding those people asking those who do have internet access to "look this up" or "order this for me". Even though they know that they have no need for internet access, they still see its value which speaks volumes to how much the online world has penetrated even those far removed from most types of technology.

If you don't want the government mandating true high speed broadband internet access then I'll assume you're totally cool with paying $55 or more per month for your internet access. Think about the places you could spend even $25 of that expense is costs were to decline. What about reliability? I am unfortunate enough to have Mediacom for my internet access at home and suffered for over 3 weeks with painfully slow access. I didn't even bother wasting my breath calling the mouth-breathers they have employed as customer service representatives and instead, via my painfully slow internet, culled various forums until, after three hours, I found a potential solution. Luckily it worked and my overly spendy internet access is back to its normal speed but what other utility provider would get away with such ineptitude?

Would the local electric company get away with sending you just enough electricity to power your lights at brownout levels? But far too often that's what internet providers get away with. They provide sub-par service because nobody's watching and the competition isn't any better or cheaper. So consumers lose. It took government intervention to provide electrical service to many rural areas so why should we be afraid of the same when it comes to internet access? Either adapt to the change or be happy being left behind.

I think I'll go for anything that provides more reliable, more affordable, faster internet access. It can only help most everything I do including the world's most stunning all-Minnesota photo blog, MinnPics!

Is KSTP-TV actively trying to lose money?

It intrigued me that local TV station KSTP plans to launch what can only be described as a boatload of "hyperlocal" websites in the next year. One commenter on the MinnPost story nailed it squarely on the head by saying that KSTP (and the Hubbards who own the station) are two years late in trying something that has already failed across the country.

I can also attest to the "hyperlocal" idea being worthless. Without giving too much away, I proposed a hyperlocal website at my place of employment just over two years ago. Just like everything else, it was dependent on local/area advertising. My proposal, on paper, sounded like a sure thing but even as I read it just minutes ago I realized that, given the current economic environment, the sales figures would never have even come close to the rather conservative dollar amounts I had projected.

And to think that an even more conservative-minded company thinks they can successfully staff and fill multiple hyperlocal news/content websites with anything remotely captivating, much less original, is insane. My project proposal incorporated multiple existing elements and products to it and could still be easily rolled out to other communities/neighborhoods. KSTP's plans, while somewhat unclear, really make no mention of incorporating their suite of niche products to give them further exposure. Hell, I have no idea if KSTP even has any truly worthwhile niche products but I don't expect the websites to be islands of content either.

The mere mention of the KSTP sites containing press releases makes them seem even less valuable. Sure, it's legit information but publishing it in the general news flow immediately devalues any legitimate news the sites may contain. And the plans they have for expanding them to their outstate markets including Duluth-Superior and Austin-Rochester makes even less sense. Those areas are still havens for the newspapers who own those markets. Attempting to launch a competing product under the umbrella of a less-than-reputable name is suicide and KAAL-TV in Austin is considered by residents to be a laughingstock. The station, under the ownership of Hubbard, has virtually abandoned coverage of its home market in favor of the more lucrative Rochester market. That bare-bones operation barely turns a profit as it stands now and further diluting it for the sake of hyperlocal websites which the community newspapers and their websites in the area already cover quite well will ensure that the outstate KSTP hyperlocal websites are the first to be shuttered followed soon after by those in the Twin Cities.

But if KSTP is curious about my well-researched plan and wants to talk to me, I'm more than willing to listen. Let's just say I know the Austin market quite well. Call me...

And while I'm whoring myself out, check out MinnPics. It's the home of the best of the best of Minnesota photography!

Sinking even deeper in to my bad music collection

There was obviously a time in the mid-1990s when I had a fondness for novelty CDs. That can be the only explanation for me owning a copy of "Turdy Point Buck" by Bananas at Large.

If you're unfamiliar with the song "Turdy Point Buck" then you're obviously not from the upper midwest - or more specifically Minnesota or Wisconsin. The title track, which I had the misfortune of listening to on my commute to my office today, is a tale about a deer hunter sitting in the woods during deer season when he sees and attempts to bag that ellusive thirty (pronounced "turdy") point buck.

For whatever reason, the song gained at least some regional popularity where I grew up (in the greater Rochester radio market - thanks alot KROC-FM). That, in turn, lead me to trudge through what was likely a snow-filled parking lot at Austin's Oak Park Mall and plop down $10.98 at On Cue for a CD that sported one novelty track that I was sadly familiar with and six more that I could give a shit less about.

The CD gave my friends and myself many laughs. I'm sure we sat in my car at lunch outside of the high school and listened to it. I'm sure a certain friend of mine - now a Sherriff's Deputy - prodded me in to playing it again and again because his twisted sense of humor secretly loved the song. I'm also sure that the novelty, just like many others, wore off after about a month.

I have only my old lady to thank for unearthing this blaze orange bastard this morning. She told me she didn't look at CD titles when this one was pulled from the rack but knew that it had to suck based on the color of the spine alone. Hey, at least after listening to it for one final time and reminding myself that I need to punch sixteen year-old me for pissing away money on shit, I can throw this on the spring garage sale. If you find yourself interested in a never-ending buffet of bad CDs, I'll post a link to the Craigslist ad for the sale in late April. Until then, always doubt your musical purchases or you too cold end up with something similar to this blaze orange mistake and find yourself, fourteen years later, listening to this decade's version of "Turdy Point Buck".

Until next time, busy yourself with the archives of MinnPics. I'm sure anything there is better than this week's bad CD.

Don't go on TV to talk about your genital blemishes

A guy in Lakeville is learning that nothing is actually free. The Star-Tribune tells the story in a more in-depth way than most would care to read but if you show up at a TV studio and see an audience when you expected none, you should turn the other way and run.

The guy, Tyler Bowling, seems to want it both ways. He was promised a free, brief laser surgery procedure to remove his pearly penis papules in exchange for his appearance on a medical show on an "all-medical network" that is only watched by "older people and doctors". The medical show, though, turned out to be "The Doctors" which is aired nationally in almost every television market (wow, someone in TV lied, color me surprised). In short, it's far from obscure and niche.

But this guy in Lakeville seems to want it both ways. He agreed rather hastily, after seeing that the show included a studio audience, to have the surgery. No, the surgery wasn't in front of a studio audience but he still agreed to do it. If you think that at least one person watching won't recognize you and start to spread the word, saying "Hey, Tyler's on TV and he's got pearly bumps on his penis!", then you are rather disconnected from the world.

He claims he's suffered immense embarrassment from being on the show and having the segment air during subsequent repeats but he should have also know that TV shows never die. They live on for years - even decades. If you think that a TV show is going to do anything for free, once and done, then you need a lesson in gullibility. Sure, I don't blame the guy for taking up an offer for getting a free medical procedure but the big lesson here is that nothing is free. If you've agreed to be on TV once, they own that footage forever! Don't be stupid. If it's embarrassing enough that you wouldn't tell your friends about it, then don't be a fool and go on national TV and expect less embarrassment.

Now forget about disfigured genitalia and check out the photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. If you don't a kitten dies.

Hulu users show their Jay Leno hatred

Hulu's user demographics must vary greatly from those who watch network television in its traditional format or else tripe like Jay Leno wouldn't be on TV - and even Brett Favre can't get me to watch that crapfest. But it is and this list is just one page (out of four) of the tags Hulu users have attached to episodes of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

terrible
horrible
pieceofshit
jerk
washed up hack
bad
wherethefluckisconan
anti-comedy
retirement home entertainment
don't watch this
awful
banality of evil
leno sucks dick
f u c k l e n o
go away jay
gabe's fave
unfunny
no calss
dirtbag
teamconan
imwithcoco
old
joke stealer
hack
we miss conan
betrayer
backstabber
bland
safe jokes for grandma
benedict arnold
judas
not funny at all
unwatchable
must not see tv
depressing
douchebaggery
humorless chin
unfortunate
fail
sellout
failure in the eyes of johnny carson
no good
oprah'sbitch
craptastic
bigjaw
matlockish
complete bull
questionable
washed up
classless
untalented
cry baby
turdsandwich
die in a fire
sad
turd ferguson
stupid
will not watch
rapist
i'm with coco
i want coco
scab
circlecirclecircle
i am old and thus i love jay leno

Check out the rest of the tags and enjoy another 17 years of Jay Leno in late night.

And, seriously, what's with the obligatory American flag lapel pin? Are you running for president Jay?

If photos are your thing, check out MinnPics. It's chock full of the best photos of Minnesota this guy can dig up!

A real question about ultrasounds

As we watched "Juno" a few weeks back (fifth time) I paused the movie at one particular scene. The scene where Juno McGuff is getting her ultrasound. The ultrasound technician squeezes the bottle of ultrasound jelly on Juno's pregnant belly and the bottle sounds rather obviously less than full. It sounds like a sputtering plastic ketchup botttle as it reluctantly gives up some of its last ketchup.

My question is about those ultrasound jelly bottles. Do they come from the ultrasound jelly plant only half full? I remember when my old lady got her ultrasound just like Juno's and that bottle sputtered like a backfiring engine when it was squeezed. And the one at Rochester's Mayo Clinic did the same thing. So, I jumped to the conclusion that there's some sinister company somewhere in the country churning out less-than half-full bottles of ultrasound jelly.

But is there any truth in my assumption? Has anyone actually seen a full(ish) bottle of ultrasound jelly that didn't spit and sputter that cold (from what I've heard) goo all over their pregnant belly?

If serious topics like this one make your head pound like it's full of a million kick drums, check out the relaxing but still intriguing photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. It's the one decision today that you won't regret.

Are malls yesterday's news?

The Twin Cities are littered with malls. Off the top of my head I can think of Rosedale, Southdale, Ridgedale, Brookdale, Burnsville Center, Mall of America, Eden Prairie Center and a whole host of lesser malls including Knollwood, Northtown Mall and newer outdoor retail complexes like those in Maple Grove and Coon Rapids. Of course there are even worse attempts at shopping malls in the Twin Cities like the former Priordale in Prior Lake which has been redeveloped nicely as a strip mall and a still delapidated but somehow alive Shakopee Town Square. Hell, most every suburb probably has something billed as a mall somewhere in the city and chances are that it is hurting.

Even in Minnesota, the trend seems to be to take it outside. A forced sense of urbanism with outdoor sidewalks and barely navigable streets is what is currently cool. It's supposed to be the rebirth of the downtown but I know better. To me it's still a shopping center because we've been trained to think what downtowns are. They feature a lack of parking but these new "downtowns" have sprawling parking lots much like the malls of old. But these new lifestyle centers, as developers call them, work. It makes sense because they seem to have damn near every name in retail one could think of.

The one in Coon Rapids is particularly troubling to me. It spans multiple blocks and while I avoided entering its tangle of so-called streets, it was a madhouse of spending - even late on a Thursday afternoon. I'm not familiar with that area of the Twin Cities but I'm betting that its construction left more than a few vacant storefronts elsewhere in town.

And if you think this is just a metro problem you are dead wrong. Back in my old hometown, good ole' drug-ridden, illegal immigrant-filled Austin, MN, the mall which at one time I'm told was actually prosperous now contains two anchor stores and probably less than a dozen smaller stores. I remember at one time the freeway-facing signage advertised over 60 stores but I don't ever remember seeing it full. Even its "food court" - containing only two restaurants - sucks. It, too, fell victim to big box development and lifestyle centers but on a smaller scale. With a K-Mart built across the street in the 1990s and a Target built across the highway later that same decade, the nails were positioned, all somebony needed to do was pound them in to the coffin.

Then came a Super Walmart a couple years ago. Even from nearly 100 miles away I could hear the pounding of those nails. The coffin was closed and it took K-Mart with it this year. Last year they lost a Cash Wise Foods grocery store. A Rainbow Foods store, circa late 1990s So, much like Brookdale Center and other now-doomed malls, hundreds of thousands of square feet of retail space stand vacant. Grass slowly growing through the cracking pavement as a couple vehicles sit parked marked for sale by the owners.

So maybe the American love affair with malls is done. They had a nice fifty year run. And maybe it's finally been realized that we, as a country, are simply over-retailed. Redundant businesses are shuttered all the time - take note of Snyders Drug Stores - they are gone but CVS is building in every other city now. Maybe its all cyclical and these malls will again be bustling in ten years as someone thinks up a new use. Or maybe the owners, failing to look forward, will end up with millions of square feet of once viable retail space on the auction block as cities deal with massive, neglected eyesores on prominent highways for all travelers to see. What to do, what to do?

Join in a discussion of the recent foreclosure sale of Brookdale Center and read up on Brookdale's checkered past.

While you're at it, check out the photos of Minnesota at MinnPics.

How big is hockey now?

If you're a hockey fan - even in Minnesota - watching the games on TV is nothing short of frustrating. I'll admit to not being much of a sports guy but I've loved hockey since the Minnesota Wild began playing a decade ago. I was pretty much too young to care much about the Minnesota Northstars during their existence but I do remember them leaving for Dallas and wondering why it happened. But at that point I had never seen an NHL game on TV. I grew up out on the farm - we didn't have cable or satellite so if it wasn't on the big three networks or PBS I didn't have the opportunity to see it.

Thus began my long disconnect from the NHL. I think that the sport's major regional likings have definitely contributed to its lack of national popularity. Think about it, you can't really play a quick pickup hockey game. You need certain things like a sheet of ice, sticks, skates, a puck and if you're serious about it pads and a helmet. It can get spendy in a hurry. Baseball requires little more than an open park, a bat and a ball. Sure, a mitt is handy but even with that addition a kid can get by with about 30 dollars of cash outlay. Football is even cheaper because all you truly need is the ball - about ten bucks and you're set.

Hockey is expensive. How many cities have indoor rinks? How easy is it to get some time on that ice? Yeah, the more popular hockey gets, the tougher it is to gain entrance in to the sport. Sure, you could play hockey outdoors but even in Minnesota our outdoor ice lasts about 3 months before it turns to slush and becomes unskateable. But this year's Olympics may have begun changing people's attitude towards hockey.

The gold medal game, featuring the second USA vs. Canada matchup of the games, pulled in the best ratings in 30 years. Yes, the best TV ratings since the 1980 Miracle on Ice team at Lake Placid, NY. Minneapolis was the fourth highest market in the gold medal game ratings:

1. Buffalo, 32.6/51
2. Pittsburgh, 31.9/50
3. Detroit, 26.9/47
4. Minneapolis, 26.4/53
5. Milwaukee, 24.5/43
6. Boston, 24.1/46
7. Chicago, 23.5/41
8. Columbus, 22.3/37
9. Denver, 22.2/42
10. Philadelphia, 20.9/35

The cities listed - outside of Milwaukee - are all NHL strongholds but some of the others in the top 25 markets aren't. Maybe those folks will carry over their Olympic hockey fandom to the NHL. NBC, after all, has a Sunday game of the week so hockey on a major network does exist. The Olympic hockey I saw on Sunday was exciting. It was fast paced and the action was all over the ice. If that type of play carries over tot he NHL, fans could very well follow. Plus, seeing the game in high-def makes watching it far easier.

Now that you're well-versed in hockey's popularity on TV, check out MinnPics for photos which are easier to digest than words.