Five reasons why I couldn't be a stay-at-home dad

I took some vacation time this week and that means staying at home (for the most part) with my nearly two year-old daughter. Anyone out there with a child knows how much of a handful a child of that age can be. For whatever reason, mothers seem to be able to handle the kids better. Maybe it goes waaaaaaay back to the stone age where women raised the brood and the men hunted and gathered. While The Youngling is still very much alive and happy, I know that her mother would handle things far better than I do. Which brings me to the five reasons I've noticed thus far (one day in) that I couldn't be a stay-at-home dad.

5.) This reason just walked in to my office and piled its supporting evidence on me. I can't get much done because this week The Youngling has an obsession with cereal and as I'm typing this she has just piled two boxes of it on me and another two boxes alongside my keyboard. I don;t know how children seem to survive for days at a time on nothing but cereal but The Youngling is walking that line right now.

4.) Showering is a problem. I like to sleep. It's a necessity for all and a burden for some but I flat out enjoy it. I slept this morning until about 7:15 when I heard the all-too-common whining coming from the adjacent bedroom and knew it was time to get up -- which I did. But I still needed to shower. Even though I'm not going anywhere where anyone would care about my funky odor I still feel the need to bathe. So what's a guy to do?

3.) I don't understand "The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" but it captivates children. It also allows me to tend to item number four. I've done it more than once. I sit The Youngling on the big bed and flip the TV in the bedroom to The Disney Channel and she will sit motionless but laughing and talking for a half hour at a time and that's more than enough time for me to remove said funk from my body. While the electronic babysitter is a wonderful aid to my morning routine I cringe every time I hear that Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog song at the end of the episode.

2.) I miss people. Oh sure, I've talked to some random strangers while pulling The Youngling around in her wagon during out outings but I miss real conversation about things I care about and things I can relate to. Yeah, the weather is an excellent topic of conversation because it's non-offensive, safe and sure to be a short conversation but for once I'd love to strike up a conversation with someone I meet on a sidewalk about something controversial or even offensive like racism or same-sex marriage but most people would quickly resume walking and while I was stopped The Youngling would probably jump out of her wagon and dart off in to the street.

1.) It's tough taking photos while holding a child. Photography is one of my hobbies and I like partaking in it while using my vacation time. That has changed, though, with a child latched to my side. Sure, she can walk just fine but she rarely walks -- it's more of a slow sprint and that means she can get to places where she shouldn't be in very little time and I don't want to be that guy who has to call in a report of a missing toddler and explain how I was too busy taking photos to keep a close eye on The Youngling.

With all of those excuses out in the open I hope that my gracious employer will welcome me back on Monday because while I don't mind dealing with a plethora of dirty diapers and hours of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse I'd much rather be in my cubicle where there are surprisingly few diapers.

Racism right where I was born

My family originated in the small Minnesota town of Lake Crystal and while it seems like an idyllic small town, the editor of the Lake Crystal Tribune fits in well with the stereotype that small towns are hotbeds of racism.

Maybe that's a bit of a blanket statement but after seeing the City Pages blotter item about the racist joke which editor Don Marben ran in an effort to "fill space" in a recent edition of the weekly rag, the stereotype seems to hold true.

Lake Crystal Tribune Editor Don Marben wrote a delightful anecdote about a golf course that replaced it's caddies with robots, only to find that their metal surfaces reflected sun in the golfers' eyes.

When golfers suggest painting the robots black, a course employee responds "We did. And four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the president."

If that isn't racist, I don't know what is. I'm practically hoping that my aunt who likes to clip out dreck like this from that very paper to read verbatim at family holidays and gatherings clips it out and reads it to everyone during Thanksgiving dinner. It would make for a fun confrontation and plenty of bickering because there is more than one person in my extended family who would agree with that being a pretty damn funny joke. I, however, think it's in poor taste at best.



Finding something like that in what is supposedly a community newspaper proves to me that some communities would be better off without a newspaper because that kind of crap is best left for e-mail forwards from ignorant jack-offs. It's not news, it's not opinion, it's just tasteless garbage that shows that plenty of old guard "journalists" should leave the business because their views just don't fly anymore.

Want something less controversial, give the photos at MinnPics a shot.

Where's all that hope now Vikings fans?

Like so many others, I'm what people would describe as a fair weather sports fan. I don't pretend to know the stats of individual players on most of the Twin Cities/Minnesota teams and I don't even know the positions most of them play but I do know when their fortunes are looking either up or down.

Currently, the only bright spot for Minnesota sports fans is the Minnesota Twins. They are already a lock for the playoffs and, despite losing two of three to Oakland, are still inching closer to winning their division and having the overall best resord in the American League. But even with that comes negatives. They'll likely face the buy-a-championship New York Yankees at some point which means that no matter how well the Minnesota Twins are playing their season will come to a brutal end. It's the way it is and if you're like me you've come to accept the fate of Minnesota sports teams. A couple are usually competitive but when push comes to shove they just don't win championships because this is the midwest. We're "just happy they made it to the playoffs". But that's bullshit.

Why should we be happy, as sports fans or anything else in life, with "being good enough"? When did that become acceptable? Why have we been brainwashed to accept that second-best status? It's like the job market as of late -- I hear plenty of people, after I bitch about paying upwards of $6,000 per year for health insurance that covers nearly nothing only to have the other person in the conversation say "you should just be happy you have a job". Don't get me wrong, I'm damn happy that I have a job but would it hurt the big guy in charge to take a cut in pay so the worker bees can afford some heat for their hive?

And that comes back to sports to a certain extent. If other cities can afford to essentially buy a championship, why doesn't that work here? The Minnesota Vikings, and their owner Zygi Wilf, forked out millions of dollars and put up with hijinks, shenanigans and downright bullshit to land greying and broken quarterback Brett Favre for a second year. Has he produced anything thus far? No. Unless you count two losses in two regular season games producing results then he hasn't lived up to the legend. But by God he's here and that's good enough for the diehard Vikings fans.

But in my opinion it's not enough. Why couldn't the Vikings step up all aspects of their game and win enough games to make it to the playoffs while grooming a young quarterback under the tutelage of Brett Favre. We all know that Favre will eventually explode in to a huge cloud of grey dust and him playing for a 21st year is becoming less and less likely with each passing day and each loss so plan ahead. Do the Minnesotan thing and promote from within and quit accepting "good enough" and second best. I once had hope too but after watching yesterday's brutal and sloppy loss to the Miami Dolphins I'm back to being bitter and jaded.

For the flip side of my personality, check out the refreshingly positive MinnPics -- chock full of killer photos from across Minnesota.

How to mess up the morning routine

Mornings in my house are hectic. I'm sure that my level of hecticity are no worse than the hecticity in your home but everyone always views their situation as worse than the situations of others.

It's hectic for two reasons. I have an almost two year-old daughter whose wake-up routine consists of crying when she finally wakes up and is she isn't the center of attention every waking moment the situation escalates. The second reason is that three mornings each week my old lady is already at work when this happens.

While I typically don't allow enough time to get ready for work (showering, dressing, shaving, etc.) my ineptitude is only amplified by the fact that I am trying to juggle the needs of myself and my daughter solo.

Plenty of mornings it involves me plucking the child out of her crib and sitting her on the bed and turning the bedroom TV on to either MTV, VH1 or Disney. Sometimes that trick keeps her entertained enough for me to take a shower and get dressed. Other times she will scream for the entire seven minute duration of my shower.

Under typical circumstances I can get all morning things done in about 35 minutes but today that all fell apart. I couldn't find season-appropriate clothes. Due to the lack of closet space int he original portion of our house, the clothes for upcoming seasons reside in the 1950s addition to our 1899 house. Sure it's inconvenient but it works until I can come up with a grand solution to fix everything.

Between running back and forth in the upstairs hallway and a couple treks up and down the stairs to get juice for the tiny monster and tidy up the mess I had created upstairs I eventually left home about 14 minutes later than usual. Sure, it's hectic but I bet you have a story worse than mine...

What's happening right now?

After basically cutting myself off from society for ten days via some conventiently requested vacation time beginning on Labor Day weekend, I am having a hard time re-integrating myself in to society as a whole. I returned from a few days on Minnesota's North Shore of Lake Superior to return to nothing short of a mess. Bags to unpack, laundry to tend to, a stack of mail to sort, bills to pay and an over-extended financial situation which seems to get progressively worse but I know it seems far worse than it is.

The big payoff after driving nearly 800 miles over the course of four days was catching about half of the MTV VMAs. I always look forward (seriously) to that two hour slice of music on MTV each year because rarely does the average person get to sit down on their couch and see our nation's musicians/artists in their element. The most rewarding was Lady Gaga. I didn;t catch her acceptance of th Video of the Year award from Cher as she asked soemone to hold her meat purse but I did see her accept an award earlier where she apologized for being slow getting to the stage due to the weight of her dress.

I simply assumed that the dress was made of heavy rubber but now it seems that all corners of the internet have been talking about Lady Gaga's meat dress. Maybe my eyes are just that bad that I mistook a meat dress for one made of rubber or maybe her dress was made of beef jerky. That would account for the dark, almost black color I saw but I'd be tempted to eat the damn dress if I were sitting near her. Am I alone is mistaking her dress for being made of something other than meat?

Four things to never talk about at work

We've all been part of that uncomfortable conversation at the office where someone is sharing waaaay too much about themselves. Maybe you've unknowingly been the one to overshare or maybe you've overheard one too many phone conversations mentioning things that, in your better judgment, would be taken care of in a more private setting.

1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.

2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.

3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.

4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.

Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?