Weiner facts

If you're here for facts about male genitalia or the "penis" as it is more commonly referred to then you're totally out of luck. However, if you're here looking for the low down on weiners (or frankfurters or hot dogs) then you're in luck.

A long time ago, a friend of mine informed me that hot dogs, or weiners, were made from lips and assholes of various farm animals including pigs, cows, turkeys, chickens, rats, geese, pigeons and guinea hens. While at least some of that is true, I chose to do some investigative work to determine the real truth because people deserve to know.

Hot dogs, or weiners, were originally invented as a form of smoked meat product by Polish immigrants who settled in the New York City and Chicago areas of the U.S.A. It made sense to get the most use possible out of their relatively expensive cuts of meat. It was sort of a waste not, want not way of thinking. So, in to the grinder went the various trimmings cut from both cows and pigs. From there, the somewhat coarsely ground meat was forced in to natural (intestinal) casings and smoked to cure the meat and add flavor and sometimes provide a product needing no refrigeration.

Today, though, the mass-produced weiners we see lining our grocery store shelves are vastly different. The weiners most people place in their mouths and hungrily suck down are closer to containing lips and assholes than we'd want to think. Ponder that for a minute - everytime you're rolling that juicy weiner around in your mouth you're actually eating an asshole. Or a beak or a snout or an ear but it's much more startling to envision one eating an asshole because no matter how much that asshole is cleaned, it was still the exit for a lot of shit.

But not all weiners are created equally. Some are short but others, particularly bun length and foot long varieties, are obviously larger. But length isn't everything. Some weiners are simply larger in diameter. Those that come to mind immediately are Hebrew National and some Schweigert weiners - especially the varieties served at the new Target Field in Minneapolis. Still others plump when ready to be stuffed in to a hungry mouth. Ball Park weiners are the most notorious "plumping" brand of weiners. I don't know nor do I claim to know what makes them plump when cooked but I'll venture a guess that we wouldn't want to know either because sometimes the answer is far worse than we could ever imagine.

With that, I will conclude today's briefing of weiner facts. Don't forget, too, to visit MinnPics and see the best photos Minnesota has to offer.