While I'm guessing that plenty of people around the world have had this e-mail forwarded to them, I though I'd share it with everyone. No, it's not the first time I've read this likely made-up account of a judge's report during a New Mexico chili cookoff but it's worth reading it again. Plus it gives me a goal for my own chili.
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New Mexico Chili Cookoff
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Smithton , Missouri . Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3..”
-Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
It's time to fix our crumbling country
I don't have the skills to patch a street. I definitely don't have the equipment or money in my usually barren checking account to repair a street but with the steadily crumbling state of our country's infrastructure it isn't exactly a far off nightmare that soon residents will be responsible for maintaining and improving our roadways -- and that doesn't mean paying money to have a big time construction company to do the work. It means that we'll be dragging a shovel and a bucket out in front of our respective houses and fixing our roads, highways and streets the old school way.
But why is that?
It's mainly because states have less funding available to maintain and improve our infrastructure.
But why do the states have less money to pay for upkeep and improvements to our highways and other infrastructure items?
Because the states along with certain local governments are busy trying to scrape together funding for billion dollar stadiums used ten days per year (think Minnesota Vikings and billionaire owner Zygi Wilf) and they have been given less funding by the federal government.
But why doesn't the federal government have enough money to provide money to the states to distribute to individual cities to maintain local infrastructure?
Skyrocketing unemployment. A decade fighting two wars. Wasteful military spending. Money shipped overseas to save aspects of other countries who may not exactly deserve saving. Take your pick.
I'm not advocating that we cut off all foreign aide. Natural disasters happen and those people are merely victims of their surroundings. Nobody deserves to die after their country has deen decimated by a tsunami, earthquake or drought but, while it seems selfish to say, it may be time to take a second look at how we are spending money overseas. It is definitely time to examine military spending. Shut down top-secret programs because if I don't know what the money is being spent on it probably isn't necessary spending. Yeah, we still need to defend our country against real or perceived evils which may threaten our friends and neighbors either directly or indirectly. However, it needs to be done on a budget. Shit, I'd like to have new siding on my house but a coat of paint will give the exterior a nice facelift. I'm choosing that route because it saves money and I have to live within my means. I'd like a Mac Mini to set up as a home media center but, again, I have a budget. Money is not infinite. And the money that our country can spend is not infinite either.
It's time to look inward and start taking care of the country that took over 200 years to build up to its current point. It's either that or let it go to shit and sell it to China. There are ways to get these jobs done. There's always prison labor...
But why is that?
It's mainly because states have less funding available to maintain and improve our infrastructure.
But why do the states have less money to pay for upkeep and improvements to our highways and other infrastructure items?
Because the states along with certain local governments are busy trying to scrape together funding for billion dollar stadiums used ten days per year (think Minnesota Vikings and billionaire owner Zygi Wilf) and they have been given less funding by the federal government.
But why doesn't the federal government have enough money to provide money to the states to distribute to individual cities to maintain local infrastructure?
Skyrocketing unemployment. A decade fighting two wars. Wasteful military spending. Money shipped overseas to save aspects of other countries who may not exactly deserve saving. Take your pick.
I'm not advocating that we cut off all foreign aide. Natural disasters happen and those people are merely victims of their surroundings. Nobody deserves to die after their country has deen decimated by a tsunami, earthquake or drought but, while it seems selfish to say, it may be time to take a second look at how we are spending money overseas. It is definitely time to examine military spending. Shut down top-secret programs because if I don't know what the money is being spent on it probably isn't necessary spending. Yeah, we still need to defend our country against real or perceived evils which may threaten our friends and neighbors either directly or indirectly. However, it needs to be done on a budget. Shit, I'd like to have new siding on my house but a coat of paint will give the exterior a nice facelift. I'm choosing that route because it saves money and I have to live within my means. I'd like a Mac Mini to set up as a home media center but, again, I have a budget. Money is not infinite. And the money that our country can spend is not infinite either.
It's time to look inward and start taking care of the country that took over 200 years to build up to its current point. It's either that or let it go to shit and sell it to China. There are ways to get these jobs done. There's always prison labor...
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